Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think that I should inform everyone to NEVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night. Trust me!

   When LIFE turns itz BACK on U.. SLAP itz a$$!!!!

   "supermassive black hole" is always funny, I don't care what you say.

   If you open your iPhone camera when it's reversed, and your own face scares and shames you, it's considered cardio.

   Wondering if the English Prime Minister supports the "No Child Left Behind" movement lol

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.

   There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."

   I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it

   At page 120 of 500 page into fifty shades of gray the wife is asking question of things in the book. Crazy part is she didn't even ask how I knew.

   Times like these you know who your true girlfriends are

   My wife said I don't do enough work around the house. Its like she thinks this FB account just runs itself.........smh

   Hey guys, let's start a Ninja Club. First rule of Ninja Club is....wait, where the heck did everybody go?

   All successful people have had plans that failed, but none have ever failed to plan.

   A little thumb-dance when you don't know how to reply to a text

   Be with the one who will get your panties wet not your eyes.

   Having a dog as a friend better than having a friend as a dog ....

   Cats and dogs play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. And, after 20 years, I still play with my wife's hooters.

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started rollin fatter blunts...

   Cat's and dogs must be pretty stupid to just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. Now go check your iPhones again....and again....and again.....

   For as little as $1 a day,,,, You can feed a family of 5 ducks chunks of bread down at your local pond.