Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home... I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row... just to mess with people as they walk in.

   Every car should blast out the Back To The Future theme when they hit 88mph

   Had to have the 'Drugs' talk with the teenage son the other night... had to warn him how easily he could get ripped off...

   You know when you rearrange "Mother -In-Law" in any language you still get "Women Hitler!"......Got a PuertoRican-Haitian Hitler to deal with

   Starting a hammock company for kids called "Kid-Naps" ........and maybe need to rethink some things....... :-(

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "Curiosity was here"

   My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with them. They thought the movie was sh*t. But that was nothing compared to my sh*t night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up!!!

   Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends.. JUST LIKE HITLER!

   Me - "Siri... Write me a status!" Siri - "M... Don't tell me what to do!" Me - :(

   Before facebook, I use to wait about a week for Walgreens to develop my pictures, to show my friends how good I lok in the Bathroom

   Buying your girlfriend tampons is not that hard! Just wait until you have to get your wife 'jumbo diaper afterbirth thingies.'

   My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

   I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels. ;-)

   Hey alcohol and aspirin companies... Have you two met each other? Team up all ready and make that sh*t happen! Sincerely, Hungover as hell!

   You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday... just to tell them 'how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.'

   When I don't have a good status... you end up wasting your time reading sh*t like this.

   I walked into a pet shop this morning and said, "I'll have that cute little kitten over there please." "A present for somebody?" asked the assistant. I said, "Yes, it's my pitbull's birthday."

   Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.

   If you don't carry around empty Dunkin' Donut gift cards to give to cops to get out of tickets, you guys aren't trying hard enough.

   It seems that table salt does the complete opposite of bath salt. It sure woke this dead ass bologna sammich up! If I could only get the tomato to stop chewing on my lip...