Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just ran over my neighbor's cat, but I left a note saying "Curiosity was here" I'm probably safe, right?

   Driving a rental car means never knowing the safest place to wipe a booger without haphazardly finding someone else's.

   Come on guys and gals!!! There are people who visit every day who rely on us!!!

   Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there.

   I'd rather take it doggy from Liberace on my grandmothers gravesite while Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth is playing than watch Twilight.

   My girlfriend just texted me saying, "I want you to get me all wet when I get home ;)" So I got 15 water balloons ready.

   Skinny= Anorexic Thick= Obese. Virgin= Too good. Non-Virgin= Slut. Friendly= Fake. Quiet= Rude. It seems like you can never please society

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to grocery stores...How can I be sure this Fifth of Scotch is worth the $10 without a quick chug?!?

   Proud to say I've slowed my drinking down to only 7 nights a week.

   You say: "I now pronounce you man and wife". I hear: "FINISH HIM!!" (Mortal Combat music blasting)

   Vodka makes the world unwound.

   Facebook needs a "Meh" button.

   I just saw a crocodile with an 80s dude on his shirt pocket.

   Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald's.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   If your laugh in real life sounds like "Bwahahaha", guaranteed I won't be funny around you.

   "Was that lightning?" "No. They're taking pictures for Google Earth."

   I got 98,998 problems, and rounding up numbers is one of them.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.