Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BELIEVE IN Yourself if you don't no one else will.!

   I love taking the grocery store up on their offer to carry my groceries out to my car for me

   Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress.......

   I only drink on days that end.

   Why is it called a sleepover?? Clearly, no one sleeps at a "sleepover". Due to this, I'm now renaming "sleepover" to "wakeover".

   Why is Monday still a thing?

   The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.

   I heard that Google Searches stay on your hard drive forever...that means my laptop will never be for sale.

   Don't call me " bae " " baby " " babe " or " love " unless I'm the ONLY ONE you're calling that.

   Some people can ruin how attractive they are by doing this weird thing with their mouth... it's called "talking"

   I've always wanted to know how long "forever" was... and by looking at some peoples relationships its around 2 to 4 weeks.

   Pure laziness = when your computer asks you "the file asfslkddjf already exist, would you like to replace it?"

   Dear clear high heels, Thank you for helping me figure out who's a stripper and who's not.

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?

   You have a super power? That's nice. I'm friends with a pharmacist so my superpower is whatever the hell I want it to be

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.

   The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.

   Ask your doctor before taking alcohol 7 nights a week if you're pregnant, nursing, or want to have any liver left in 20 years.

   I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has :/

   I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.