Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"

   Accidentally poured myself a glass of vodka at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so damn clumsy.

   If you're not in love right now, you're wasting valuable time!

   If I don't look like I barely survived a natural disaster after we've had sex, you need to try harder.

   Live your life in such a way that the Westboro Baptist Church will want to picket your funeral.

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.

   Then just repost it! Don't put your name Like you are funny or something!

   My pleasant personality is brought to you this morning by several strong cups of coffee.

   Subway should be taken to court. They force their male employees to make sandwiches for other people and that is clearly sexist.

   Ladies; True Love is when he holds your hair back while you're giving him a bl0wjob.

   A friend of mine told me he had sex with his girlfriend and her twin, I asked how he could tell them apart, and he said her brother has a mustache.

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it though.

   Whenever someone spells something wrong, I always look to see if the two letters are close on the keyboard.

   They should invent an alarm clock that if you hit the snooze button more than 3 times it automatically calls in sick for you.

   When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case

   Just imagine how fast church would go if Busta Rhymes was the preacher

   One man's face is another man's lunch.

   I am so happy with my life I want to go out and punch someone in the face to celebrate.

   If we can't get weed legalized, we can just start calling it smokable beer.