Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee is just something I use to convince myself I will have a productive morning

   My favorite color is Vodka.

   I calculate how many girls ive been with the same way you convert °C to °F. Take the real figure, double it & add 30.

   If I can see you, you're invading my personal space.

   I find the butchest way to eat a banana is to take my dress off.

   "Step one: Cut a hole in the box!"

   Shoutout to all the dark skinned girls with the cheetah print tattoo that looks like a 2nd degree burn....

   Thank god for smartphones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom

   BEST GAMER PICK UP LINE: You turn my software into hardware.

   Everytime I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!"

   I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.

   Giving someone a trash bag full of yellow Starbursts is so much more fulfilling than saying "I hate you."

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

   My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise.

   I think Christopher Nolan grew up on 60's Batman and his life's goal is to wipe it out...

   I think the NBA players should wear bubba teeth instead of mouth pieces.....talk about a poster.

   I do the same thing after pumping gas that I do after sex... (Sniff my fingers)

   KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap.

   Thanks to black ops, I think I have enough knowledge to wipe out an entire city of zombies. just run around ina cirlcle.