Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today you should prank call your single guy friends using google voice to change the number and tell them you are calling from the Maury Povich show.

   I wonder what Susan Boyle got for Fathers Day.,

   I see your re-p0st and raise you a hand jerking off motion.

   The lack of Fathers Day cards is making me think I should have skeeted in her mouth instead.

   They say to stay away from a girl who is a succubus.... not me, I just changed my name to Bus.

   Your plethora of knowledge on Pakastani Volcanoes creates a plethora of barf that I'd like to extend to you as my way of saying I hate you.

   I could have sworn I heard a chorus of a thousand tiny voices rising up from the shower drain to wish me a Happy Fathers Day.

   I like to lay there after sex, stroking her hair and whispering things like "whhhy are youuuu still hereeee?"

   Growing up means not asking for advice you're not going to take.

   The best way to get women is by trying to get rid of them.

   I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don't have to wake up next to someone dead.

   I love it when I go see my parents for the first time in a while and after "hello" comes "good thing you came, my printer is broken".

   I'm going to some yard sales so I can point at people's crotches and say nice junk.

   Before you give me any advice I'd just like to say how ungrateful I am.

   Happy ATMs day!!

   got 6 Fathers Day hugs and all I did was go to Wal-Mart... weird.

   F*ck your feelings. You never cared about mine, So why should I care about yours?

   Who needs a thesaurus when you can replace everything with ****

   practicing my "I Love It" look when I get another tie from my kids.

   The celebration of single moms on fathers day blows me! Single moms do some amazing things but being a father isn't one of them.