Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ Friday Saturday Sunday

   Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.

   If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex... because it would be the longest year of my life.

   Found out today you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house... just trying to help.

   There's two kind of people in this world: People that use "lol" or "haha"

   I like girls with curves, if I wanted to see bones, I would go to the damn museum.

   R.I.P. To The B$tches Dying For Attention

   People who don't like bacon cannot be trusted, end of story.

   so tired from working... I wouldn't even take a blow job...

   Never tell a woman to calm down when she's drunk, it's like baptizing a cat. It's not gonna work

   This pill was laying on the seat on the ferry...should I take it?

   Love is blind but hate has perfect 20/20 vision.

   Does anyone remember Tom's last name from Myspace? If he has a Facebook page I want to be his friend. I mean, he was there for me.

   I don't get this hole poking thing.

   Cuddling season is over. It's hott as f**k now. Get away.

   R.I.P Lindsay Lohan : (not really, I'm just practicing.......

   99% of my socks are single and you don't see them crying about it.

   Fonzie never wore a safety harness jumping the 14 garbage cans in front of Arnold's or jumping the shark tank. Don't be a Potsie Wallenda, ditch the harness..

   So I was in a banana suit earlier while I was eating a banana. I couldn't decide if it was canabalism or canabananalism.