Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you cant live without me, then why aren't you dead yet?

   Trying to talk to a girl without staring at her boobs is like trying to poop without peeing.

   Some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. We call these people "Single".

   I love watching my husband sleep so peacefully. It gives me time to plot all the ways I can take him out should the time come someday.

   I just found spider crawling up my leg. I wanted to kill it but I missed so I cut off my leg instead.

   The only people who piss me off are the ones who convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.

   If you can't take the heat, you're really going to hate my flamethrower.

   A womans shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.

   the abbreviation curse will haunt me for ever. Yesterday my friend asked me what I was sucking and I just laughed out loud and said "lipop"

   They are taking the old "I've got your nose" game WAY too seriously down in Miami!

   I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.

   I used to work in a factory crushing cans. I hated it! It was soda pressing.

   "I wasn't that drunk" Dude you threw a sock at a midget and screamed "Dobby be free!"

   That chick has been passed around more than blame.

   Dear McDonalds, if you start serving breakfast all day you will get more of my money. Sincerely, Supply and Demand.

   There is a thin line between love and hate. It starts about halfway through the joint.

   Dating Tip: Don't!

   hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm a dingo, I ate your baby

   Actually he is stealing almost all of it from msib

   And Stonner Duudde is stealing from Marshell, who's stealing from Dane cook! Stop the madness!