Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm on bath salts, and your face looks tasty.

   Hey has anyone tried that bacon sunday at bk? Or was that just an awesome dream I had last night...

   If my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.

   Did you hear about the new show about Nigerian Airlines? Knot's Landing…

   I just heard a woman in a supermarket say this to her 7(ish) year old daughter... "Don't spit! Ladies never spit!" Priceless.

   Go Ahead! Make my sandwich.

   I tie up all my victims in forget me knots.

   I disagree revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.

   I'm pretty sure it was worse luck for the black cat that crossed my path than me, since I ran it over.

   I'm not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

   Swallow it dammit, it's good for you - Your Pride

   My biggest fear this Sunday is to open my front door and see a kid who I don't know wish me a happy fathers day.

   So confused right now, don't know whether to join a gym or buy Photoshop.

   sad that all it takes is a CAPTCHA to prove you're human these days

   I'm a workaholic; I drink at work.

   I can turn any alcohol into vomit. Top that, Jesus.

   I want to hold hands and waste friday nights with you while we both getting wasted.

   Them gas prices going down like White girls in a college town!

   People always ask why I am always so happy, I tell them I start my morning off the same as anyone, a glass of OJ in the am with breakfast- the only differance is the 5th of Vodka I add to mine

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party.