Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check?

   I'm convinced half of you are on drugs and the other half should be.

   I wish some people would leave Day Drinking to the professionals.

   If I choose you over sleep, you must be f^cking special.

   I spend 500% of my life exaggerating!

   I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....

   I appreciate the transparency that the Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" and "5 second rule" are a bit much

   If you've never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party

   They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise.

   Apparently, armored truck drivers don't really like surprise hugs as much as I thought they would

   I'm one of those people that no one warned you about.

   Breathe if you're horny.

   Why does everyone say "You bet your ass?" Is there really a lot of value in an ass?

   I got caught talking to myself today, so to avoid embarrassment, I pretended to be a tree until they left.

   Heaven is a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

   I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.

   The little chocolate ice-cream part at the end of a vanilla ice-cream cone is what I call a 'happy ending'.

   Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.