Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R.I.P. To The B$tches Dying For Attention

   People who don't like bacon cannot be trusted, end of story.

   so tired from working... I wouldn't even take a blow job...

   Never tell a woman to calm down when she's drunk, it's like baptizing a cat. It's not gonna work

   This pill was laying on the seat on the ferry...should I take it?

   Love is blind but hate has perfect 20/20 vision.

   Does anyone remember Tom's last name from Myspace? If he has a Facebook page I want to be his friend. I mean, he was there for me.

   I don't get this hole poking thing.

   Cuddling season is over. It's hott as f**k now. Get away.

   R.I.P Lindsay Lohan : (not really, I'm just practicing.......

   99% of my socks are single and you don't see them crying about it.

   Fonzie never wore a safety harness jumping the 14 garbage cans in front of Arnold's or jumping the shark tank. Don't be a Potsie Wallenda, ditch the harness..

   So I was in a banana suit earlier while I was eating a banana. I couldn't decide if it was canabalism or canabananalism.

   doesn't really understand the big deal about walking a tightrope across Niagara Falls. I've been married for 14 years, try walking that tightrope Wallenda!

   Most Americans are overweight according to a study done by my eyeballs.

   Honey-girl,,,,, your skirt is so short ,,,, your STD's are showing

   The world world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes

   Afroman was going to make another cd....but then he got high.

   Too many herbs have effd up my omelet.... If only I could turn back thyme...

   I attacked that beer like it was a defenceless woman in a carpark.