Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cigarettes are like hamsters. They're completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

   If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?

   In the year is 2024.. Justin Bieber's cover of Mambo #5 has topped the charts for the past 10 years and has been declared the National Anthem.

   OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can't stop calling the addiction hotline....

   Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   electrocuting the engineers.

   I want to get to know you better like, Do you have any cake? What kind of cookies do you bake? & Where do you keep these cookies & cake?

   When I'm on a diet I order the shallow-fried chicken.

   A Man is someone who can stand on his own two feet. A Boss is someone who guarantees we all eat.

   Good mourning...... I hope everyone had a Happy Father's Day, oh..everyone except Jerry Sandusky!!

   The last time she got 100% on a test it involved peeing on a stick.

   If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

   Towels are a scam... think about it - a towel is only a towel, but anything that's like pants or a sheet or whatever is also a towel.

   If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and sh!t.

   Guys.. never raise your hand to a woman... it leaves your groin exposed

   Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

   Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just 30 seconds?

   They called it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

   I hate Monday's...... and condoms.