Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sweating like Jerry Sandusky at a Boy Scout camp.

   Can Happiness buy money?

   Spank someone today. You'll both feel better.

   "Don't touch me there!" Something I like to yell as I exit the doctors office into the waiting room.

   When I was a boy my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a $1 and i'd come back with 2 loafs of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a block of cheese, a box of tea, 6 eggs and 5 potatoes. You can't do that now , too many feckin security cameras.

   3 kinds of women:- Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have boyfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened.

   I am like an unborn child, sometimes all I need is a push

   Out of all the lies I've ever told, "Just kidding" is my favourite.

   Like if you remember the "yellow isle" at the local grocery store.

   You know in China, they just call it Food.

   In Canada, Canadian Bacon is called ham...

   I'm trying to be kind to fat people because they have enough on their plate...

   I'm Canadian and bacon is called bacon .

   Just heard about a new hangover cure -- Not drinking the night before. Does this work?

   Do Canadians call regular bacon "American Ham"?

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

   I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said 'heaven,' so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

   No guy in the history of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a little.

   May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house

   When you have someone by the balls their hearts and minds soon follow.