Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll let my dog ride with me to the store just to wait in the car for the sole purpose of him not assuming I'm doing something fun every time I leave the house.

   A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder. 

   Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.

   Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, worrying is also bad for you too

   Sometimes I want to ask certain people, "So you looked in the mirror and thought you looked good enough to go outside?"

   How come you can wear jeans everyday and nobody cares... but you wear a shirt twice in one week and you're suddenly homeless?

   Slut: *Facebook status* describe me with a commercial slogan <3 Me: So easy a caveman could do it.

   Go ahead and play "hard to get"...I'll be over here playing "don't give a s$it"

   Ahh, Subway. It's the only place on Earth where you can force a woman to make you a sandwich and she can't tell you to f$ck off.

   How are you feeling today? Like a tampon. In a good place... At the wrong time.

   You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.

   Even if women came with a set of instructions, men would toss them aside without reading them.

   Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest thing I'll ever get to being a damn magician.

   You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight

   During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.

   I always enjoy sharing old memories w/ the @sshole from my old high school... while he is ringing up my groceries.

   Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.

   "Either Pray Or Worry, Don't Do Both"

   Im Always Tree Shoppin Like Its Christmas

   just poured a glass