Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex is like pizza. When's it's good it's good. When it's bad it's still pretty good.

   ..which is why I start my sentences in the middle. 

   If you are ALWAYS posting status updates about your “HATERS,” chances are I'm one of them.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right." Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   I'm not saying you're boring, but my mind is break-dancing while you talk.

   10 yrs from now: Dad, how'd you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic, so I had to friend request that...

   Can't we all just learn how to swim?

   Shower = 2% Wash Body | 3% Wash Hair | 95% Contemplate Life.

   Dad, thanks for forgetting to use a condom and creating the greatest person ever!

   Being a FEMALE is a matter of BIRTH, being a WOMAN is a matter of AGE, but being a LADY is a matter of CHOICE...

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.

   Rihanna should date Lebron James.. He never beats anyone.

   Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

   Fathers Day in the ghetto must be so damn confusing...

   Happy Father's Day to all the dads...and whoever's raising T.O.'s kids.

   Man people are really beating this Rodney king story to death

   Facebook now lets you put a star on the people you want to follow more closely. I was going to do that until I realized... isn't that what Hitler did?

   I wonder what Lebron got Delonte West for Father's Day?

   There is NO WAY I could ever be an organ donor. I would, however, consider giving away my drum set.

   I'll fix your computer, but I don't do Windows. ~Mac repairmen