Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   7 things I look for in a girl: Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

   They need to make a breathalyzer app for my phone... After 10pm, I'm usually above the legal limit to text message.

   Amigo, the only thing in this world that gives orders is balls. Balls. You got that? - Tony Montana

   There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.

   You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.

   I'm not afraid of stupid people. I'm afraid of intelligent people with stupid ideas.

   My only regrets involve a Klondike bar

   Why do shampoo bottles have to say 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat' on them? My blonde girlfriend has been in the shower for 2 weeks now.

   I proposed my girl today. Apparently "Do you want to be the one who makes sandwiches for me for the rest of my life" isn't the way to do it.

   Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   F.Y.I. a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper.

   To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really b!tchy when I dropped my son off.

   I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.

   If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first.

   I was just totally swept off my feet by this guy at the bar. Well, not my feet exactly, but this bar stool. Ok, maybe not swept per se, but...Alright, fine! I fell off the bar stool while he was watching. Happy now?

   I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP!

   When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets.

   After witnessing a strip search at the police station I now understand why it's called a crack rock.

   My girlfriend told me to grow a pear... What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?