Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so bored. I just spent an hour staring at an ant, trying to locate its peehole so I can put a grain of salt in it. Do ants drink water? #scratching head# I figure if I make it drink water, it will have to pee sometime.

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs

   Never trust a woman that has friends.

   I had a girlfriend that said she was leaving me because I was so arrogant! I told her to close the door on her way back in!!!

   Some french fries are excellent, and other french fries are just an acceptable way to eat ketchup.

   Turns out Smart Cars also make great fridge magnets.

   Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank:"Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   You can't have a Consumer-based economy if none of the consumers have jobs and can't afford to consume!!!

   Don't borrow vinegar from your neighbor if they have to get the bottle out of the bathroom!

   i buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free.

   You know you're broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!!!

   Beggo! Why don't you just c0py and paste next time!!!

   Supreme Court rules Arizona police may not stop people they believe are illegal immigrants, but must stop Juggalos.

   I'm getting a pet dog & cat and I'm gonna name my cat 'Waterfalls'. This way everytime my dog is chasing my cat, I can say "Don't go chasing waterfalls!""

   why don't they just open a separate school for kids that don't have a peanut allergy?

   If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!

   I like you. You're the right amount of dysfunctional that I'm attracted to.

   Huh, turns out that staying up until 4 am and surfing adult sites is not considered insomnia. Thank God!!! I really thought I had a problem…..

   i think I'm gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?

   parents dont need energy drinks...they already have monsters that keep them awake all day