Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are worse things than being far away from the one you love, like sleeping next to someone you don't.

   I'm going to tattoo "Religion" on my d!ck, and force it down peoples throat and see how THEY like it!

   Heard the guy trying on skinny jeans & telling the assistant he's married. Not sure why he got offended when I asked "who's the lucky guy?"

   Changing your name in Illinois only costs $100? Well slap my face and call me Lazer ThunderQueef!

   I'm at the point in my life where I can do what I want, when I want to do it and without answering to anyone. I call that point divorce.

   The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

   I'm not religious, but I love God.

   I'm gonna open a restaurant down in the Old-Port for singles - You'll just bring your own chinese food,, and for a small fee,,, I'll provide the sink for you to eat it over.

   Say NO to the Bathroom Duckface & Quacker Lips photo epidemic.

   My favorite Chinese place has the best peepee Coke and pupu platter

   I've been trying to improve some vegan recipes,, but so far all I've come up with is "add steak."

   I just finished writing a book on monkeys... I DON'T recommend buying it though,,,,, monkeys make a TERRIBLE writing surface.

   Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

   I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding

   To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though.

   Supplies! -Asian surprise party

   I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.

   A smart man will buy his wife the finest china, so she won't trust him to touch it.

   Have you seen the latest stripper poll. 87% of them are skanks...