Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend who ditched me for his own imaginary friend.

   i'm really good at walking along, minding my own business and then having something happen

   Thinking about standing outside "Magic Mike" showings with sign that reads, "Displaced Exotic Dancer: Homeless" early retirement, here I come!

   Honesty is free and makes you feel good!

   A drunk man's reasoning; "What the hell, she's only ugly in the face"

   The best way to spread the most news in the least time is to disguise it as a secret.

   The new film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks quite good. I think I'll wait for the sequel, Bill Clinton: Lady Killer.

   I like to lay down after sex, stroking her hair and whispering into her ear. "Why are you still here?"

   My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

   I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

   I don't always wear boxers, but when I do it's brief.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   I have no tattoos, no piercings. I'm just a big, blank canvas of crazy.

   Yard Work.....there's nothing like a well trimmed bush.

   How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.

   CNN is reporting that the man who attacked and ate the others mans face was cause by cannibals and not bath salts. That's like saying being a vegan will give you diabetes

   If you run around a tree doing 87km/h there is a possibility of fu*king yourself

   Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,

   I'm not addicted to cigarettes. I can stop smoking any time……… I have no money.