Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women just want to be told they're beautiful. Especially the good looking ones.

   Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign ‘Anywhere But Here' So I swerved, hit him. Now he's in a ditch. Hope that's ok, he wasn't really specific.

   It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

   Tom Cruise has finally reached the 71st level of Scientology, Divorce

   Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise divorcing after 5 years of enslavement. I mean, marriage.

   I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts.

   Please feel free to call me anytime after ten, that's when I put my phone on silent.

   I imagine hell to be a room full of drunk guys wanting to tell you about their fantasy football team...

   You're laughing because I'm laughing, but I'm laughing because I farted.

   When one door closes, another door opens. If not, I'm climbing through the window.

   Well I had close call lastnight! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly.....I was like hold on somethings up!

   Whenever I give blood, I always assume that most of the workers are vampires and Wesley Snipes will be busting in at any moment.

   I get my kicks attending random funerals and claiming to be the deceased's oldest son from his other family.

   So the guy in Miami who ate that other dude's face was NOT on bath salts, just weed. What kind of weed gives you the munchies for hobo face?

   In 2013, my first status will be “is anyone alive?”

   I'll catch you later: Cool thing to say to a friend, scary thing to say to a child.

   I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots

   Can't believe it's almost Christmas in July

   I always cry after sex. God, I hate prison!

   "I need a girl who I can spend the rest of my whole night with...."