Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women want a man who can read them like a book, so long as he is proficient in braille.

   The public is jealous and takes pleasure in destroying good relationships. So what the public doesn't know exist, the public can't destroy. So lets keep our love a secret baby and let it live.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   I use a remote control for my car stereo because,,,,, Well,, You know,,,,, Who would EVER want to lean forward a little bit?...

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.................NOTHING,, cause he's just staring down at his phone

   Hey, guy that puts the stickers on fruit....NOBODY likes you.

   Keep an eye on people who always remain calm & collected. It's always a pretty fun scene when they finally have their inevitable breakdown.

   Traveled home by pogo stick last night, got stopped by the police for jumping a red light.

   Man, it was so HOT today, Instagram stop working!.....

   I still remember that moment I said I love you too, coz thats the exact moment my life got fuçked up!

   Instagram … because our attention spans can't even handle 140 characters anymore.

   My girl just called to tell me she went into labor. I said, "Hell yeah, its about time you got a job!"

   I was delivered by C-section. I think thats what led me to have such low self esteem...Why wasnt I worthy of and A or at least B-Section..

   I checked the thermometer outside. The temperature read "Fuck this shit! Stay in the house!"

   Playing a new game on my girlfriends computer, its called guess the password.

   I tried to kill myself once with Asprin, but after the first two I felt better.

   I was just dishonorably discharged from Old Navy.

   Woke up in the middle of my sleep.Only thing that's keeping my neighbor's barking dog alive now is that I'm still sleepy.

   "You "go ahead , I'm gonna go for the one with the smaller breast" said no man ever

   Always remember the saying when you are hoping for the something that you feel is impossible to get.....where there is a will, there is a way...now....to find Will O_O