Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't use Siri because I have to deal with enough b*tches who have no personality and know everything.

   Every time I crave chick-fil-a, it's f'ing Sunday!

   Adele is pregnant and now the world's food supply is danger. The mayans were right

   I'm going to start wearing Summer's Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to d*uches

   I thought we were gonna buy Mexico, Then fix it up & flip it... What ever happened with that?

   You know what's really great about being a narcissist? Me.

   Nothing says "I've made poor life decisions" like a couch in your front yard.

   Note to all guys out there...when your GF ask's you "do these pants make me look fat?". Pretty sure there isn't a right answer to this and you can definately cross off "I don't think we should blame the pants"!

   I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest pen$s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

   A Wife says to her Husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says "what do you expect? Your in a wheelchair".

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.

   Married people are the best flirters.

   My Hair: "Life is so wild and free!" My Underarms: "Life is the pits." My Crotch: "Life stinks." My Ankles: "LIFE IS CRUSHING ME!"

   The best way to get a woman to argue with you is to say something

   I think marriages should be called "pre-divorces". Sounds classier.

   Let's pretend to be who we really are

   that Magic Mike movie makess me feel so hot! I want that!!

   The dentist said my gums were bad and it would cost $1000 to fix. I bought some big red and put that up there for 50 cents.

   Instead of telling people I dont care about things, I find its easier to get my point across if I just put my hands in the air and wave them

   Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.