Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So excited that The Weather Channel picked up "Weather" for another season!!

   It might be HOT but at least there's no BREEZE...

   LOL!!!! we need more post like the mirror one, your slacking here people!

   Make good memories today, so that you can have a good past.

   wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?

   ''Magic Mike''.......if I hear this one more time I hitting someone with an ''Open Mike!!!''

   Katie Holmes issues statement after confirming reports that she and Tom Cruise are to divorce - "I'm so happy I could jump up and down on the couch!

   Katie must be out of her 5 yr lease contract with Tom Cruise finally

   Magic Mike? - on my way to see Magic Gina at the gentleman's club.

   Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting a divorce...Now it's Katies turn to jump up and down on Oprah's couch.

   just excited I can start wearing heels again. - Katie Holmes

   Mission Impossible 5: Marriage

   so excited I'm jumping up and down on a couch now. - Katie Holmes

   Why do camels have v@ginas on their feet anyway?

   now the jumping on Oprah's couch professing my love for Katie is even embarrassing to me. - Tom Cruise

   I'm not the smartest guy, I don't have a perfect body, and this started out as a status update but is now my suicide note.

   I miss having a girlfriend. I get so tired of listening to whatever music I want, on road trips to wherever I want to go, with zero guilt.

   How to make your girl feel special: 1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice. 2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

   Whenever my Girlfriend says she's going to "hit the sack" I instinctively cover my balls just in case.

   Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.