Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having sex while you are watching a p0rno does not count as 0rgy.

   When my dog is acting up, I point at North Korea on the map as I walk into the kitchen. I'm like the Dog Whisperer but not g@y.

   Don't worry ladies - I wear condoms on my fingers when I upd@te my st@tus so you won't get pregnant.

   Probably the worst time to be an Arab is when you get caught with a bomb in your backpack at the airport.

   Still in my Y2K bunker. Have they given the all clear yet? Running out of beans.

   I get my revenge by sneaking into ladies public toilets at night and lifting all the toilet seats up.

   This is the real me. Full of problems. Full of love. Full of lost. Full of hurt. Full of life. Full of hope. Full of happiness. Most of all.....Full of friends.

   there is a guy jerking 0ff in the car next to me. I bet he is my friend on Facebook. .

   Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

   As I sit next to you imagining my manly hands wrapped around your cheating neck, I'm suddently reminded that I don't even know your name.

   One mans trash, is another mans daughter.

   That rose tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 19. Now it looks like red cabbage

   I drink coffee to get up, and beer to get down.

   'Spread the joy' is an excellent way to ask someone to open their legs.

   Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.

   Somedays, all I wanna do is eat and masturbate.

   Life is like p0rn. Much better when people stop talking.

   Magic trick: Take your age, subtract three, now add three. That's your age.

   Men do what they want and skip the rest. They're straightforward. If he doesn't call, he doesn't want to talk. If he calls, he's horny.

   Give me a big tub of popcorn and I could watch women try to parallel park all day long.