Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was just dishonorably discharged from Old Navy.

   Woke up in the middle of my sleep.Only thing that's keeping my neighbor's barking dog alive now is that I'm still sleepy.

   "You "go ahead , I'm gonna go for the one with the smaller breast" said no man ever

   Always remember the saying when you are hoping for the something that you feel is impossible to get.....where there is a will, there is a way...now....to find Will O_O

   I follow people who imitate real celebrities on Twitter because my self esteem isn't quite low enough yet.

   honesty is a very expensive thing that I wouldnt expect from cheap people

   Feelings are like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.

   a woman with loose morals “Frito Lay”?

   I'm pretty sure I got my sense of humor from my mother because when I was 10 years old my Dad said he sent her to the funny farm.

   My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I'm done.

   Some of your timelines are my morning paper.

   The best relationships are the ones where the other person makes you so f*cking h*rny you can't remember why they've made you so p*ssed off.

   As a species we should resign now and let the dinosaurs have another go

   I think Tom Cruise and John Travolta would make a lovely couple.

   My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I've been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

   Those girls on the balance beam learn early on that 4 inches isn't much to work with.

   This old lady dropped a grocery bag leaving the store today. My girlfriend told me "Don't just stand there" .....so I started to point and laugh.

   I was delivered by C-section. I wasn't worthy of an A or even a B-section.

   I once dated a girl who lived on the wrong side of the tracks. Tragically, she was killed by a train

   My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."