Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm a virgin." B!tch please, the only thing on you that's virgin is your nose, and its safe to assume that's been fingered as well.

   It's been so hot my balls have stopped producing sperm to focus solely on making sweat.

   I'm great at pretending I'm not an a$$hole.

   Film it? Really? After we're done, I don't wanna watch it.. I wanna do it again.

   I'd like to punch you in the unibrow but I am gay, so I will just wax that for you.

   I forgot to post a picture of my lunch. So it never happened...

   Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.

   My GPS sighs and rolls its eyes every time it says "Recalculating".

   Are there any other animals besides humans who communicate unnecessarily?

   I stopped going to church when they said I had to attend the whole thing, not just the wine tasting.

   Sometimes I just feel like stopping, collaborating, and listening.

   I'm so old that I remember when # was called a number sign.

   It's crazy how crazy religions think the other crazy religions are crazy and that their crazy is the right crazy. It's crazy.

   There's someone out there for everyone. Don't worry if you're alone, your true love is just having sex with someone else right now.

   Piglets are so cute. I love it how we eat them when they get fat and ugly.

   Chris Brown has released a song about his fight with Drake. Dude, your beef is with Drake, why are you making the rest of us suffer?

   The cashier is wearing a tank top with no bra and instead of my ATM code all I keep typing into the machine is SIDEBOOB.

   I like you. You're just the right amount of dysfunctional that I'm attracted to.

   The way Nicki Minaj sings is also a good reminder for women that their waxing time has arrived.

   Will celebrate Canada Day by continuing to be unable to name one single Province they've got up there.