Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are there no black fireworks?

   I will say, Have a fun and safe 4th. But I refuse to celebrate our Independence! Our fore fathers are turning over in their graves. Instead of gaining freedom we have lost and continue to lose freedoms every day.

   I no longer say 'YOLO', my philosophy is "LIVIN' LIKE LARRY!"

   My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory

   I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn't a very good one.

   List of things I've accomplished today:,,,,, #1 Make accomplishment list..............................................................

   The Andy Griffith funeral? Who knows.. he could be cremated...or.. they Mayberry him

   Thanks for calling the revolutionary tipline. Your call is important to us. Press: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 to hear these options in Spanish

   The Amazing Spiderman was good but they didn't cover the part in his life where he co-founded Facebook...I assume that will be in the sequel...

   Anderson Cooper - I had to come clean, I was caught singing "Call Me Maybe" in my car on the way to work!

   Being a parent in the South is so easy... You just have to shout "Simmer Down" every few days.

   if a sniper used a laser to shoot me in my house, I would be wearing 3 cats on my face

   Sadness in its purest form....going to a bbq and instead of beer you find soda, kids, pinwheels, and bubbles.

   We need more propeller hats

   I have a feeling that 99.9% of the fingers blown off will be from males.

   America, happy birthday! I hope you do something fun and get lots of happy birthday wishes on your wall!

   To all the scientists who were a part of 40 yrs of finding God Particle- Congrats! A Gr8 day for science. Isn't it? BUT the question still remains- Where is the Goddamn calorie-free Beer!

   Redneck word of the day; Sapphire, Cletus accidentally sapphire to Bubbas trailer with a bottle rockrt

   I don't care what time it is!!! Grilling without a BEER is like going to church and not PRAYING.

   My american friends!! While you are enjoying your BBQ's, cookouts, and family get togethers! Please remember what this Independence Day truly represents! Today Will Smith AND Jeff Goldblum saved the population of earth from alien oppression by uploading a