Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found some of my long lost relatives from Alabama on incestry.com

   I'm not saying you're dumb, but you look like the kind of person who would bring a 'Free Hugs' sign to a knife fight.

   When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a demolition derby.

   If you pretend not to see me, I will use my outside voice to say hello.

   I wonder if the female equivalent of the c0ckblock is the beaver dam.

   Some people are here for laughs. Some for therapy. Some for sex. Me? I'm here to learn the difference between your and you're.

   Anderson Cooper comes out just in time to give Tom Cruise a run for his money in wooing John Travolta.

   Anderson Cooper likes it in the pooper. :/

   just heard Anderson Cooper announced he's gay. Don't worry ladies, you still have a shot at Lou Dobbs.

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   You use Google every day but I bet you can't remember the order of the colors

   Thanks, autocorrect. I'm sure she's dying to know about my huge peninsula.

   "I'm shocked Anderson Cooper came out." said no one.

   I'm still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.

   Wives want a video record of the birth of their child. Husbands want a record of the conception.

   when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.

   I just don't get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.

   Then God said, “Let there be Internet drama”; and there was Internet drama. And God saw that it was good.

   The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries

   Hit "Like" if you're tired of everyone on Facebook telling you to hit "Like."