Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Universal truth: sun rises in the East Fact: sun neither rises nor sets, the Earth rotates... Moral: Education kills our Common Sense

   Sometimes you just need your space, so you can figure out how you fit into someone else's.

   If there were a pill for stupid....some people would have to take more than one.

   Someone on FB called me a clown. Now I've got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that's what clowns do.

   My version of camping involves the bathroom floor & a hand towel for a blanket.

   Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."

   Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.

   There are friends, there is family and then there are friends that become family.

   You can spend 7 bucks on a 6 pack of Bud Light or you can just take a piss in your mouth for free.

   Did you ever notice all the people in casino commercials are young, attractive and not in need of oxygen?

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy fat-ass."

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to smile about when you're old.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.

   Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.

   People ask me why I don't have tattoos.......Well, do you ever see a Ferrari with bumper stickers?

   I think we should celebrate Canada Day be giving Bieber back.

   I don't use Siri because I have to deal with enough b*tches who have no personality and know everything.

   Every time I crave chick-fil-a, it's f'ing Sunday!

   Adele is pregnant and now the world's food supply is danger. The mayans were right

   I'm going to start wearing Summer's Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to d*uches