Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I drink coffee to get up, and beer to get down.

   'Spread the joy' is an excellent way to ask someone to open their legs.

   Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.

   Somedays, all I wanna do is eat and masturbate.

   Life is like p0rn. Much better when people stop talking.

   Magic trick: Take your age, subtract three, now add three. That's your age.

   Men do what they want and skip the rest. They're straightforward. If he doesn't call, he doesn't want to talk. If he calls, he's horny.

   Give me a big tub of popcorn and I could watch women try to parallel park all day long.

   The only thing worse than a broken heart is a heart that has never known love.

   "Because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like..."

   BBC News - "Wettest June since records began"I blame that 'fifty shades of grey' book.

   Rest in Peace Sheriff Taylor.. You will be remembered and loved.

   I like to rock out with my clock out, so I don't stay out too late.

   It would be kind if some people performed random acts of silence.

   4th of July on a Wednesday? That's so Ghetto...

   Men have "The Man Cave", but, when polled what the female version should be called the #1 answer was "The Maxie Pad" with "The Kitchen" and "The Laundry Room" coming in 2nd and 3rd respectively

   I slept like a baby last night! (I woke up crying because I was hungry)

   Only God can judge me, and my neighbors. And my friends. And Family. And random drivers while I lip sync "Call me Maybe" while on the Interstate.

   R.I.P. Andy Griffith..........There's a new sheriff in town!

   Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it's only Tuesday.