Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite people on Facebook are my friends and people that have no idea that I exist.

   You'd think with being this beautiful everyone could ignore the crazy..

   To block the annoying person's status updates, or keep them around because their horrible personal life is entertaining?!?!

   I can tell by your weight you have a really great personality.

   There are two types of women. Those who become angry for NOTHING and those who get angry for EVERYTHING.

   Last month was one of the wettest 'JUNES' in recorded history. I think that was down to all the 50 Shades of Grey books that were sold !!!

   Marriage... a relationship between a person who's always right and her husband.

   If your boyfriend is pierced on both ears and wears earrings or as he likes to call them “studs”, then I am really sorry to inform you that he also has a boyfriend.

   We need to find Heman, he has all the power.

   Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram?

   Women want a man who can read them like a book, so long as he is proficient in braille.

   The public is jealous and takes pleasure in destroying good relationships. So what the public doesn't know exist, the public can't destroy. So lets keep our love a secret baby and let it live.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   I use a remote control for my car stereo because,,,,, Well,, You know,,,,, Who would EVER want to lean forward a little bit?...

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.................NOTHING,, cause he's just staring down at his phone

   Hey, guy that puts the stickers on fruit....NOBODY likes you.

   Keep an eye on people who always remain calm & collected. It's always a pretty fun scene when they finally have their inevitable breakdown.

   Traveled home by pogo stick last night, got stopped by the police for jumping a red light.

   Man, it was so HOT today, Instagram stop working!.....