Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I know,, Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the crap out of everyone." -- God, when He made scorpions

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   Well guess its time to do the dishes....... The kids are drinking their milk from shotglasses.

   Found the pot at the end of the rainbow and I smoked it........

   She was my world, until I found another planet.

   Now that the Euro2012 football has finished , I wonder how many husbands will go back to their wives only to find that they have been replaced by `Mr Christian Grey` and something that requires batteries ?!!!

   I'm not trying to sound racist, but all fireworks look alike.

   You have the Man Pit and the Man Cave, yup going to have the female version and call it the Maxie Pad

   I'm hot - Ah! - I'm hot - Ah! - I'm hot - Ah! -- Me, in front of my oscillating fan.

   the song "100 bottles of beer on the wall"...most not be much alcohol in them if you can keep track of 100 beers you've drank

   Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible

   That gangsta feeling when you rap your favorite song without messing up.

   Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

   I vote we bring 80's music back and forget how to Dougie!!

   When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese's peanut butter cup...

   A baby frog just purposely threw himself in front of my lawn mower..... I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

   Just phished Forest Gump's Facebook password, it's: 1Forest1

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow once.....I smoked it.