Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   s/o to the pig that died to make this bacon I'm eating. You, sir, are delicious. Enjoy the afterlife, you've earned it.

   When is a man the smartest? When he's having sex; Why? Because he's plugged into the know it all machine.

   Hey, just came over to extend a big warm welcome to nobody caresville...population: me

   I don't know why you're here, but I'm just here to have fun.

   Love may be blind, but It doesn't have to be stupid.

   Then God said, “Let there be Internet drama”; and there was Internet drama. And God saw that it was good.

   Let us all take a moment, and be thankful that spiders can't fly.

   Universal truth: sun rises in the East Fact: sun neither rises nor sets, the Earth rotates... Moral: Education kills our Common Sense

   Sometimes you just need your space, so you can figure out how you fit into someone else's.

   If there were a pill for stupid....some people would have to take more than one.

   Someone on FB called me a clown. Now I've got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that's what clowns do.

   My version of camping involves the bathroom floor & a hand towel for a blanket.

   Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."

   Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.

   There are friends, there is family and then there are friends that become family.

   You can spend 7 bucks on a 6 pack of Bud Light or you can just take a piss in your mouth for free.

   Did you ever notice all the people in casino commercials are young, attractive and not in need of oxygen?

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy fat-ass."

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to smile about when you're old.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.