Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all the scientists who were a part of 40 yrs of finding God Particle- Congrats! A Gr8 day for science. Isn't it? BUT the question still remains- Where is the Goddamn calorie-free Beer!

   Redneck word of the day; Sapphire, Cletus accidentally sapphire to Bubbas trailer with a bottle rockrt

   I don't care what time it is!!! Grilling without a BEER is like going to church and not PRAYING.

   My american friends!! While you are enjoying your BBQ's, cookouts, and family get togethers! Please remember what this Independence Day truly represents! Today Will Smith AND Jeff Goldblum saved the population of earth from alien oppression by uploading a

   I won a math-debate

   I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.

   While you are enjoying your BBQ's, cookouts, and family get togethers! Please remember what this Independence Day truly represents! Happy Birthday America! Still the greatest Country in the World!!

   what looks good on a mother in law? a doberman.

   what do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand? not enough sand.

   i went on a pleasure trip this morning. I took my mother in law back to the airport.

   what's an ideal weight for a mother in law? 3 pounds including the urn.

   I'm convinced these mosquitoes are on bath salts.....

   I have a feeling Thursday the 5th of July is not going to be a very produtive day at work.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs

   My house would be a lot more vacant if I could communicate in Roach & Spider language.

   I was dating a Siamese twin but she caught me screwin her sister behind her back

   God created the Orgasam so women could whine when they're happy too

   50 Shades of Grey..Girls can't wait to read it and Guys can't wait for the movie!

   I refuse to jump on the bandwagon and talk about Anderson's Pooper. I mean Cooper.

   I sent my wife to Home Depot to buy a set of knee pads for me. Hey, fair is fair.