Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs

   My house would be a lot more vacant if I could communicate in Roach & Spider language.

   I was dating a Siamese twin but she caught me screwin her sister behind her back

   God created the Orgasam so women could whine when they're happy too

   50 Shades of Grey..Girls can't wait to read it and Guys can't wait for the movie!

   I refuse to jump on the bandwagon and talk about Anderson's Pooper. I mean Cooper.

   I sent my wife to Home Depot to buy a set of knee pads for me. Hey, fair is fair.

   If its Friday night and she lifts up her skirt and her panties say Saturday. She is staying the night.

   To the people who upload full movies to YouTube: Get a life…also, thank you.

   It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's probably the best time to do it.

   There are only a few people I can say “You're one of the few friends I enjoy being with more in person than on Facebook.

   When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.

   Live this day as if it is your last...And if it turns out it isn't, make many apologies tomorrow.

   Hey girl with 40,000 tweets and 14 followers, I'm guessing you should probably shut the f$ck up.

   There is nothing worse than when the car in front of you stops at a yellow light and you have to get home to take a dump.

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

   One time Bill Murray came up to me at a Wendys, took a fry off my tray, ate it, looked me dead in the eyes and said "Nobody's going to believe you"

   I hate pushups more than a T-Rex does.

   A lipbite can be sexy, unless you're bitting your upper lip. Wonder how many people just tried that.

   Whale watching outside of Walmart.