Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once I participated in a "Nice Guy" 5K Run..... We all finished last.

   The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend.

   I can get a women very excited just by using my mouth. I say stuff like "shopping..new shoes babies.!!

   When my grandkid loses his 1st tooth, I'm putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"

   Ironically,,, I HATE it, when people say "like us" on Facebook.

   A wife tattooed "I LOVE U" on her nipples and showed it to her husband. He replied: "This is ur old habit of Putting Words Into My Mouth! "

   Not entirely sure what a "propriate" is, but apparently I'm in it.

   Michael Jackson didn't die. He simply completed his course of plastic surgery in 2009, turned into a young gay white boy & renamed himself Justin Bieber...

   That scary feeling when you realize your kid is bigger than you

   Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives.

   I always thought GTFO meant Great, Terrific, Fantastic, & Outstanding... so, I guess all those people weren't paying me compliments after all!

   Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.

   Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face.

   Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.

   I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.

   I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.

   dancing and singing with headphones......apparently frowned upon in court.

   just got dumped by a pity-sex partner.....she looked like joe dirt....I think I just hit rock bottom.

   Dr. Phil and Oprah..two of the most over-rated influences on America EVER!!!!!

   my mom used to say, "dont give me any of your guff"...looked it up..40 yrs ltr..says trivial, worthless talk or ideas...heeeyyy, thats demeaning