Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope Jessica Biel names her first kid Batmo.

   POUR SOME HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP ON ME!!!!

   If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.

   Got my passport application forms back today..... Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer.

   How about instead of flirting and carrying on a conversation under my status that has nothing to do with it's original topic, you try using the chat window, the poke button, or maybe even do it the old fashioned way! Call the B!tch!!!

   I like to fart while am changing gears

   Guys you already got your pu$$y, so if your woman wants a cat, dont stand in her way.

   I think I now also push people away on a subliminal level.

   Women want to be equal to men in every aspect except dating. You all want the same positions in the rest of the world but still expect to be wined and dined. How about steaks and bjs for the guys.

   July 4th is the perfect day to get rid of your spouse.....with the fireworks bangs..no one will hear a couple of shots:)

   We're independent but we DEPEND on other countries' resources and goods...Like China and England..Can you Contradiction.

   Sometimes you gotta cut a person loose to see if they bounce.

   There's nothing like celebrating America's independence by spending hundreds of dollars on Chinese fireworks.

   I need to go to Walmart but I can't find my pajamas.

   I've never actually seen two women "scissoring" but I'd bet you a million dollars that it sounds like an armpit farting contest. :(

   pretty excited about the recent discovery of the Higgs Boston or God particle... I could be wrong, but if my calculations are correct, this means 'Mass Effect' IRL!!!?

   Happy birthday America, you lovable old geezer!

   Confession: After midnight, I only let SOME of it hang out.

   The most disappointing conclusion you'll ever come to is finding out who you really are.

   ...Snakes & sparklers are the only ones I really like anyways....