Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No Calls ? I Understand . No Text ? I Understand , But When You See Me With Someone Else Please Understand .

   That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!

   LIKE if you found ½ : ¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼½¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼� �¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼

   Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there's less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There's no drama & I don't have to wear pants.”

   The first rule of relationships: You don't find out why someone was available until it's too late.

   I sure do feel a hell of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym...

   There are now online dating sites for seniors... I bet that "forgot password?" button is gonna get used a lot.

   Hey someone tell the Sun to stop showing off!!

   Never look for leftover fireworks in your car with a lighter. Good news is I now have a sunroof.

   I wish every chick with STD'S had "6 fingers" i'd be like "Let me see ya hands, Biatch you ain't slick trying hide that extra pinky"

   This day needs a Vodka filled tsunami.

   I was sooo legit, that I quit.

   Please do me a solid and don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and extremely hard to light. -- The Janitor

   You mat say one you go black you can't come back...but if you stick with good credit you won't regret it!!

   Once you go black I won't know if it's in either.

   Its only when you get to know some of these people who smoke that you realise that Cancer can sometimes be a solution not a problem.

   If loving you is wrong, I have probably loved you.

   Ladies; When a guy says he "just wants to be friends" he means with your v@gina.

   "Ugh, guys, I'm so hungover...wait, we declared what last night?!" --July 5th, 1776.

   Bushes make me nervous. I always worry a naked man will emerge from one asking for toilet paper.