Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes girls look at me and say, “Mmm not bad.” They don't say it out loud but I can tell they're thinking that.

   My Spiritual and religious friends, I'll never go to church with you. My fit and Healthy friends, I'll never go to the gym with you. My Drunk and high friends, when and where?

   Everyone around me is obsessed with finding true love. All I want is a girl who will laugh at my jokes.

   When my girlfriend caught me cheating I told her I got HACKED but she didn't believe me. I guess that only works on Facebook.

   I'd kiss you right now but my breath would make you instantly drunk!

   The Ten Commandments would be way more awesome if they just changed the first one to "Yahweh or the Highway."

   Oh-NO !! There's BLOOD in the toilet,,,,,,, I can't remember, is it “Red stool at night,, colon's delight. Red stool at morning,, bowels take warning.” Or the other way around???

   Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...

   How are we supposed to cure cancer when we can't even find a cure for country music.

   Back in my day we didn't have no hookah bar!!!! We roll blunts

   Just witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on our dead lawn.

   My feelings are torn regarding the spork. On one hand, it's pretty cool. On the other...it's kind of a showoff.

   I wish we could "Hand Pick" who gets knocked off line on Monday!!!

   Finally met the new neighbor. An uncanny resemblance to Satan!! Maybe that's why it's been so hot...

   I don't always drive the speed limit. But when I do, there's drugs in my car.

   My parents accused me of being a liar today! All I said was ''Santa Claus'' ''Easter Bunny'' '' Tooth Fairy'' and walked away. Shut them Up!!!

   Just because we share the same skin colour does not follow that I am obliged to always support you in every foolish and idiotic thing you say or do.

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee

   There needs to be a phone-line to Heaven.....for the one's we miss!!!

   Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again