Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm still not entirely sure what instagram is

   You had me at "life is total B.S."

   How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it.

   I'd speak my mind but that's the only thing from stopping me from puking all over you at this point.

   You know you're getting older when you would rather ignore someone, so you don't have to go through the trouble of disposing their body...

   You had me at "You f*cking weirdo" just before you shut your window curtains

   Dear JB HATERs – I owe my life to Justin. On March 9th, 2009 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash. One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, so I got up, and turned the radio off.

   No Calls ? I Understand . No Text ? I Understand , But When You See Me With Someone Else Please Understand .

   That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!

   LIKE if you found ½ : ¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼½¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼� �¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼¼

   Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there's less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There's no drama & I don't have to wear pants.”

   The first rule of relationships: You don't find out why someone was available until it's too late.

   I sure do feel a hell of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym...

   There are now online dating sites for seniors... I bet that "forgot password?" button is gonna get used a lot.

   Hey someone tell the Sun to stop showing off!!

   Never look for leftover fireworks in your car with a lighter. Good news is I now have a sunroof.

   I wish every chick with STD'S had "6 fingers" i'd be like "Let me see ya hands, Biatch you ain't slick trying hide that extra pinky"

   This day needs a Vodka filled tsunami.

   I was sooo legit, that I quit.

   Please do me a solid and don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and extremely hard to light. -- The Janitor