Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3440 of 6451

I'd kiss you right now but my breath would make you instantly drunk!
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07-07-2012 14:24 by Czovczov
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The Ten Commandments would be way more awesome if they just changed the first one to "Yahweh or the Highway."
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07-07-2012 13:56 by snotty
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Oh-NO !! There's BLOOD in the toilet,,,,,,, I can't remember, is it “Red stool at night,, colon's delight. Red stool at morning,, bowels take warning.” Or the other way around???
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07-07-2012 13:52 by snotty
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Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...
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07-07-2012 13:40 by snotty
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How are we supposed to cure cancer when we can't even find a cure for country music.
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07-07-2012 13:36 by snotty
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Back in my day we didn't have no hookah bar!!!! We roll blunts
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07-07-2012 13:29
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Just witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on our dead lawn.
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07-07-2012 12:58 by Steve OH
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My feelings are torn regarding the spork. On one hand, it's pretty cool. On the other...it's kind of a showoff.

I wish we could "Hand Pick" who gets knocked off line on Monday!!!
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07-07-2012 12:55 by Steve OH
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Finally met the new neighbor. An uncanny resemblance to Satan!! Maybe that's why it's been so hot...
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07-07-2012 12:51 by Steve OH
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I don't always drive the speed limit. But when I do, there's drugs in my car.
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07-07-2012 12:21 by HiYourJon
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My parents accused me of being a liar today! All I said was ''Santa Claus'' ''Easter Bunny'' '' Tooth Fairy'' and walked away. Shut them Up!!!

Just because we share the same skin colour does not follow that I am obliged to always support you in every foolish and idiotic thing you say or do.
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07-07-2012 11:53
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As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee
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07-07-2012 10:33 by flinnie
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There needs to be a phone-line to Heaven.....for the one's we miss!!!

Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again
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07-07-2012 10:25 by flinnie
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the glass half full or half empty? Mine is cracked and leaking valuable water.
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07-07-2012 10:23 by flinnie
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RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
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07-07-2012 10:17
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Why is it all the good ones are taken? Or have taken out restraining orders?
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07-07-2012 10:05
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Yahoo: More Americans convinced of climate change after extreme weather.... Ugh no maybe just your liberal writer thinks that. It's called summer, in 6 months the same person will write global warming again because its fcking cold out.
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07-07-2012 09:53
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