Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I helped my neighbor move a super heavy couch last night and he didn't even thank me. That's ok, his wife thanked me on it today. Twice.

   A woman is a fantastic substitute for masturbation.

   I dont wanna masturbate tonight so please, nobody mentions Betty White to me.

   There are so many things in life I still need to lick.

   I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Give a women a Facebook account and she can complain about self inflicted drama and fill up your newsfeed.

   This one time my date was really ugly but I was horny so I roofied both our drinks :/

   I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.

   If you Happy and you know it thank your ex!

   I only trust people that like big butts, they cannot lie...

   if you've got a body that won't quit, I might as well sit back and relax.

   People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.

   Today is International Kissing Day!.....Who wants one?...Wait, let me put my teeth in First!!!

   The awesome moment when your staple puller becomes a back scratcher and your leg starts shaking like a rabid dog~

   The Best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The Worst thing about the internet: It's available to everyone.

   Friday is my Second Favorite ''F'' Word!!!

   I had formed an opinion of this Lazy Guy, and then I thought, until I have walked a mile in his shoes, so I did! Now I know he's Lazy and has Athlete's Foot!!!

   If Obama had a son he would be unemployed........

   I've noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I'm getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime

   I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it