Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because we share the same skin colour does not follow that I am obliged to always support you in every foolish and idiotic thing you say or do.

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee

   There needs to be a phone-line to Heaven.....for the one's we miss!!!

   Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again

   the glass half full or half empty? Mine is cracked and leaking valuable water.

   RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.

   Why is it all the good ones are taken? Or have taken out restraining orders?

   Yahoo: More Americans convinced of climate change after extreme weather.... Ugh no maybe just your liberal writer thinks that. It's called summer, in 6 months the same person will write global warming again because its fcking cold out.

   My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)

   Life is the 60 years between the only times when bingo and board games are an acceptable way of spending your days.

   Got a Straw! ...Because you ''Suck!''

   Pretty sure Satan is the mastermind behind the "can we talk" demon that women get possessed by.

   I have an army of decapitated gummy bears on my desk. When someone asks me a stupid question, I bite the head off another & stare at them.

   Follow I'm so desperate for money I'm melting my Goldfish down for cash

   I'm too happy to want to read a woman's mind.

   The closest I am to having any "Swag" is the Old Spice Swagger deodorant, sitting in my bathroom cabinet.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   It's always "Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick." I'm never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy

   I once dated a girl who looked exactly like her dog. Hey St. Bernards are cute, shut up!

   It's funny to watch you girls on Facebook whine and cry about your drama in one status and then the next....10 mins later "Pedi's, mani's now and drinks with my besties later, life is great"!!