Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to stand outside... So if anyone asks, tell them I'm outstanding

   If you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.

   The person who came up with the word "lisp" wath a real athhole

   I'm no gynecologist, but I know a c*nt when I see one.

   The day I grow up will be the day that I die.

   Driving a Prius shows women that you are socially responsible, environmentally conscious, and will be completely unable to make them cum.

   OMG!!! Direct TV is no longer showing Viacom channels... How am I going to watch 16 and Pregnant now? Oh.. wait.. Walmart. NEVERMIND!

   I will climb the highest mountain. Swim the deepest sea. I will cross the desert land. I would do anything to get away from you.

   Anyone else notice that "The Los Angeles Angels" directly translates to "The The Angels Angels"?

   High-definition ruined porn for me. I like my p0rn blurry so I can't see butt acne and herp scars.

   We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.

   Show me on this voodoo doll where it would hurt you the most.

   Someone once ask me how I hold my head up so high after all I've been through. I said, as long as I come out of it alive, it makes me a survivor, not a victim.

   Fat, single and ready for a pringle!!!

   Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap the explosives

   I'm drinking coffee because people think you've got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!

   Welcome to England - where the Sun is just a Newspaper...enjoy!!!

   Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.

   If your neighbors seem like the "nicest, quietest, friendliest" people, they probably have kidnapped humans in their basement zoo.

   My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.