Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't even TRY a home invasion at my house,,, I've got legions of Lego people ready to launch a campaign of foot pain terrorism at my command...

   I have NO idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.

   When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.

   It really sucks seeing a profile pic of two girls and the hot one is always someone else.

   That dolphin tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 18, Now it looks like a used condom!

   Got bit by a spider.......Now I got to go find a skyscraper to climb.

   so....I often joke that my wife is too fat for sex....I call her 'Missionary Impossible'....

   “Don't drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly! “

   I hurt my back playing golf today,I fell off the ball washing machine.

   Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

   I quit cold turkey, unless it's in a sandwich, but even then, I prefer to warm it up first.

   Best laid plans are not the best lay. Unplanned lays are best.

   "I am cleaning up my friends list" should be changed to "I'm notifying you that you should give me attention and argue your friendship level to me."

   Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics' album at 4am.

   Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up. I will lick you.

   This girl says she wants to butter my muffin.. I don't even know what that means but now I'm hungry.

   My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!

   Don't call a woman's privates by a bunch of ridiculous nicknames. It taint funny…

   I just saw an entire ginger family walking their dog. You could see the shame in its eyes.

   Hey ugly girls, stop wearing sexy perfume, you're confusing my d!ck.