Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people think I'm pretty funny until they marry me.

   If there was a way to read a woman's mind...I'm still not sure I'd want too...I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying.

   Scientists have discovered some intelligent dna in women, unfortunately 95% of them spit it out!

   You don't have to fight over who sleeps in the wet spot if one of you is smart enough to flip the mattress over.

   Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.

   Confidence is sexy, unless you're a fat girl wearing yoga pants in public.

   How do I love thee? Let me count the empty cans.

   Please don't tell me how this p0rn scene ends!!!

   My girlfriend went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her "b!tch refresher course".

   Tried quitting my job today. But they just laughed and threw me back in my cell.

   I chewed my gum for so long, it completely lost it's sweetness, elasticity and turned into goop. So I spit it out. Now I know how all the ladies feel.

   A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

   Just remember ladies, if nice guys finish last, that means you came first.

   I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work related.

   Always look for the good in everyone… if you can't find it, you probably need another drink.

   I am an Illegal! I came to take your job. But you don't have one to take!!!

   Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison. So much for complete cavity protection.

   The day I bother to care who doesn't like me around here as opposed to enjoying those who do... is the day I'll kill myself.

   I am sorry but I can't understand you with your clothes on.

   Confused the Facebook status box with Google search, and I don't have to go to any more family functions.