Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may be dumb, but at least I'm not …wait, what was I talking about?

   House party couple of doors away, music sounds awesome, wish I could rock up. Takes me back. These days my 4 yr old has mores parties.

   I can't sleep knowing that a sexy girl is horny somewhere.

   QUESTIONS-I-HATE - Can I see your phone? No its called an iPhone not an usPhone!

   Some relationships are like farts, sooner or latter you gonna have to let it go!

   Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.

   A wise man once told me, women are good for 70 things. Making sandwiches and 69.

   No mom, you're mad because you're wrong, not because I'm talking back...

   When you mess up a guy's hair, he thinks it's cute, but when you mess up a girl's hair... just hope you're wearing something bulletproof.

   I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said “Best Drunk Before August, 2012". I've just e-mailed them thanking them for that prestigious award which, of course I graciously accept....

   Watching "Hitler's Hemorrhoids" on the Military channel......

   Wow, that's a nice looking pair of crocs!" - Said by no one. Ever.

   I don't always eat breakfast, but when I do, it's dos eggys.

   Some kid told my son knee pads are for pussies. I told him no, that's 'maxi' pads. And his mother should see a doctor.

   The first rule of Mime Club is pretty obvious.

   I clapped because it finished, not because I liked it.

   When blk ppl walk their dog it's a chore. When white folk wall their dog it's an expeditionary adventure that clears the intestinal tract.

   The first rule of Suspense Club is................

   If my wife ever has sex with someone else I'll hunt that man down and then ask him his secret.

   You know times are tough when you are totally jealous of your friends shopping spree... at the dollar store!