Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don't dress like a slut unless you're really a slut...It's very confusing to us guys.

   Yeah, gonna sue McDonalds. Just ate 7 of their happy meals and now I hate myself.

   Thanks to "50 Shades of Grey" someones fingers smell like 50 cans of Chicken of The Sea.

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   As a skeptic I find it very hard to believe in myself.

   when comforting a grammar nazi I always say "there, they're, their"

   I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should elimnate any more drama.

   Romeo and Juliet is Not a Love Story... It's a 3-Day relationship between a 13 year-old and a 17 year-old that caused 6 Deaths. Sincerely, -Everyone who actually Read it.

   Saw a baby goat rescue a baby sheep........ I kid ewe not

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat

   Foghorn Leghorn would have made a terrible, I say, would have made a terrible, I saya terrible poster.

   I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving

   Just remember, Michael Jordan would not have been a six time NBA champion without the government building the roads that got him to the game!

   If God made me in his image, does that mean he has a third nipple too?

   It's Monday morning sweetie so do me a favor and shut your love hole. No, not that one...the one that makes words.

   You, lady are what's known as 'issues on legs'.

   Always remind her to 'calm down' and 'be reasonable'. Otherwise she might forget those things and remain enraged

   I would rather pick up a used condom than your call.

   Bed is holding me captive. Send sex.

   Any time I wonder if God exists, I think of women & I know he does. Coincidentally, this is also what I do when I wonder if the devil exists