Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching your kids to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

   Vodka is the missionary position of booze.

   "Give It To Me" She Screamed, "I'm getting Wet, Give It To Me Now".... "Screw Off" I replied "This Is My Umbrella"

   Best advice I can give to newlyweds is to buy a really comfortable couch.

   J - July, Jocks in ski masks, Jason, Jaywalkin chicks on cell phones at Camp Crystal Lakes

   Things Men Think: Wedding plans take care of themselves.

   From now on just cross your heart, I'll take care of the hope you die part.

   After I shave I look twenty hours younger

   Went to Micky D's today and ordered the fish sandwich and for the first time ever the cheese was squarely on the sandwich.....almost brought a tear to my eye.

   First Tyler, then Lopez...its going to be American "Idle" !!!

   Having kids is a lot like living in a frat house. Everythings sticky and your not quite sure why...

   ...the brain brings up the most beautiful thoughts while trying to sleep..."hey...when was the last time we discussed ghosts , haunted mansions and serial killers in hockey masks.."...Happy Friday 13th...

   If you are living your life without giving a 'F', you are only living a LI[ ]E.

   Mic Jagger'snew book says he slept with 4,000 women!..........Well 3,999 if you subtract David Bowie!!!

   ☑Hockey mask ☑Machete ☑Sexually-irresponsible campers Let's roll...

   Why do you date girls that look like men? Why not just date a man?

   Restaurant hosts: Stop asking, we all want a booth.

   Got a headache from looking at all the options of headache relief.

   I would pay good money for a painting of Snoop Dogg and Dog the Bounty Hunter playing poker.

   Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? IDK, I have Direct TV!