Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nowadays MILF doesn't have the same meaning, especially since there are 15 year old moms

   Love and Alcohol are same... Once tasted, you can never stay away from them !!!!!

   EVERY girls dream is to eat without getting fat.

   There's 5 words in the English language that gets everyone defensive, protective and nervous..... those words are "Can I see your phone?"......

   i joined a bridge club, I'm so excited. I jump tomorrow.

   Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.

   Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna.

   Girl in Victoria Secret: Wow! These bras & panties are 20% off!! Me: I bet If you hangout with me they'll be 100% off.

   I wanna go to Africa to see where rappers come from.

   Magic Mike is truly magical... its the first time my woman has come home without having a "Headache"...

   My liver works harder for two days than I do all week...

   WTF.... (welcome to facebook)

   Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.

   Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   I was thinking of you today! I also threw up in my mouth a little, but it just might be a coincidence!!!

   Hung like Einstein smart as a horse... Thanks dad.

   Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you're ugly, hold a girl against her will & she'll eventually love you.

   I love how the internet has improved people's grammar far more then any English teacher has. If you write "your" instead of "you're" in a English class all you get is a red mark.... Mess up on the Internet just once, and may God have mercy on your soul.