Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said “Best Drunk Before August, 2012". I've just e-mailed them thanking them for that prestigious award which, of course I graciously accept....

   Watching "Hitler's Hemorrhoids" on the Military channel......

   Wow, that's a nice looking pair of crocs!" - Said by no one. Ever.

   I don't always eat breakfast, but when I do, it's dos eggys.

   Some kid told my son knee pads are for pussies. I told him no, that's 'maxi' pads. And his mother should see a doctor.

   The first rule of Mime Club is pretty obvious.

   I clapped because it finished, not because I liked it.

   When blk ppl walk their dog it's a chore. When white folk wall their dog it's an expeditionary adventure that clears the intestinal tract.

   The first rule of Suspense Club is................

   If my wife ever has sex with someone else I'll hunt that man down and then ask him his secret.

   You know times are tough when you are totally jealous of your friends shopping spree... at the dollar store!

   ok, time to get off my arse and do something... I can only read the same posts so many times then it feels like groundhog's day.

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.

   I can't even explain how my blow up doll makes me feel before sex. She really takes my breath away.

   I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away

   The days of good grammar has went.

   Yes, I'm aware I can't fly, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try if my chute doesn't open.

   This shark attacked a defenseless surfer and bit him in half. What kind of animal would do something like that?!

   Our FedEx guy keeps delivering diapers & formula but I didn't order any. And he cries when he holds the baby. Weird, huh?