Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Farmers complaining about the drought. Why not just buy corn at the store??..... idiots

   You haven't lived if you have never done a line of coke off a girl's ass.

   Doggy style, because sometimes you both just like the same tv show.

   Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never grew marijuana...

   Record temps again tomorrow....If I can find a lemonade stand, I'll be on it like a hillbilly on his half-sister!

   Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

   Got a problem with me? I'm pretty sure a status on Facebook won't fix it.

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the s$it out of.

   When someone says "be honest" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.

   8 planets, 1 universe, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and I just HAD to find yo dumbass.

   I hate it when teachers say "From all this talking, I assume you're done." From all this complaining, I assume you're single.

   Congrats on being one of the "cool kids" in Highschool. Too bad about the rest of your life though.

   Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.

   Please don't dress like a slut unless you're really a slut...It's very confusing to us guys.

   Yeah, gonna sue McDonalds. Just ate 7 of their happy meals and now I hate myself.

   Thanks to "50 Shades of Grey" someones fingers smell like 50 cans of Chicken of The Sea.

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   As a skeptic I find it very hard to believe in myself.

   when comforting a grammar nazi I always say "there, they're, their"

   I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should elimnate any more drama.