Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's embarrassing when I get caught dressing one of you with my eyes.

   Been looking on Craigslist all day for a pirate ship

   Vacation's over. Downside? Fewer status messages for you. Upside? Less me.

   My kids don't like when I drink, but if it wasn't for alcohol, they wouldn't even be here.

   on a ship of fools in a sea of diarrhea looking for that Island of reality

   The one thing I can guarantee after we have sex is I'm always satisfied.

   if you're not a bowl, joint, blunt, bong or nipple, I have no idea how to suck you.

   Writing a poem for my ex. What rhymes with 'I think I got herpes from your sister'?

   You're dead until you prove otherwise.

   You guys haven't lived until your forced against your own will through a v@gina head first completely naked while your dad cuts your cord.

   Love is: doing it in random spots all over the house so no one has to sleep in the wet spot.

   She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up.

   I would rather smack a piñata filled with diarrhea than go down on a Kardashian.

   If you were a real man your girl wouldn't be running to the store for batteries at midnight.

   Why do women get so annoyed when you ask them about their periods? If I was bleeding out of my d!ck, I'd totally want to talk about it.

   I would like to cordially invite you all to shut up concerning what you do not know.

   You know I have friend-zoned you when I call you "Sister" and we are not even related.

   My ex texted me: I Miss You... So I replied: We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a f*ck

   Sometimes being friend-zoned is just like dodging a bullet. Its for your own good.

   In a perfect relationship, the only fight you have is about who gets to sleep on the wet spot.