Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupid people aren't flammable enough.

   I often find myself rewording a long post so many times, that it completely loses the original subject... This one started off about bacon

   Ever seen Cookie Monster's feet?......... No?.................. Well, that's Diabetes for you!!

   The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an F ....... FYI,,, crap like THAT,,, is why most aliens fly right past us

   In honour of the olympics I suggest we start a synchronized drinking team..... Whose in? :D

   Just because you are chubby and heartbroken doesn't mean you must sing Adele's song on Karaoke.

   There's so many of you I can see myself leaving my wife for. Luckily I made a list in case I ever get the chance. Thanks for being naughty

   What? You mean human beings still have pubic hair? By choice?

   I've been keeping this a secret for almost a year now because I didn't want to lose friends: I don't work on Mondays.

   I'm beginning to think this "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the whole intercourse part.

   The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come into the room.

   Forrest Whitaker turned 51 today, his right eye turned 47.

   All you obese vegetarians ain't much of an advertisement for the cause, are ya?

   You lost me at 'sober friends only', you unrealistic douche.

   EX means: Thanks for the EXperience, Our time has EXpired, now EXit my life..

   Chris Brown jokes are all the same... they all have the same punchline.

   Well it sounds like my girlfriend is upstairs reading "50 Shades of Grey" or she's been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow....I smoked it.

   16 and Pregnant completely wrecked the term " MILF" for us Cougars!

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.