Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life gave you lemons because you stood around with your hands out waiting for someone to give you something. Pick your own goddamn fruit.

   Upon entering a room I announce "what smells in here?" just in case I fart later. That way I'm covered.

   Do you guys realize how hard it is to masturbate while holding binoculars?

   I sometimes wonder why I'm 33 and single. Then I see you with your screaming kids in the grocery store and quickly remember.

   I brought sexy back but I brought it from the 70s and now everyone is laughing at my clothes.

   so passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best , then went shopping at walmart.

   I was walking down the street to work this morning and a guy was sitting on the sidewalk. He held out a cup of change and asked "spare change?". I said "sure, thanks man!" And took the cup. People are really nice in Tacoma.

   People say drinking milk makes you stronger. I drunk 5 glasses of milk and tried to move a wall. It didn't work. Then, I drank 5 glasses of vodka and the wall moved alone!!

   The only downside to Madonna not coming to Australia is that it would have been fun to briefly host something older than ayers rock for a while . We didn't want that lip syncing museum to thrust her kimono wings at us anyway

   After I die, I want someone to periodically log in as me so it looks like I'm haunting Facebook.

   Find someone who will change your life, not just your relationship status.

   If sex beteen three people is called a threesome, and between two people a twosome, I now understand why people call you handsome!!!

   Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates

   the friend of a friend everyone talks about!

   so passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best

   need a good reliable used car. Which dealership does Mitt work at? I hear he is a good salesman.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Sometimes, the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.

   I don't mind going to work. It's that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.

   Guitar Center is like Wal-Mart, but for musicians