Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You, lady are what's known as 'issues on legs'.

   Always remind her to 'calm down' and 'be reasonable'. Otherwise she might forget those things and remain enraged

   I would rather pick up a used condom than your call.

   Bed is holding me captive. Send sex.

   Any time I wonder if God exists, I think of women & I know he does. Coincidentally, this is also what I do when I wonder if the devil exists

   Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It's so fun to watch them freak out!

   How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.

   Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.

   If you're not still a little drunk on Monday morning I'm not buying your good weekend story.

   You know you're getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.

   Let's have sex? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   $ex is the most common event that draws people in to things. Be it sales, facebook posts, etc. I always felt that $ex is not the most important thing. And I've managed to instill this philosophy in all 18 of my kids.

   Cell phones ruined pushing people into pools

   When I die, I want my friends to put a package of saltines in my coffin with a note saying "Best cracker out of the whole pack."

   I respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable.

   I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.

   Why don't you slip into something nice like a ______________

   Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the Hampster was dead?!!!

   When my mom texts me, I respond, "Can't talk now, I'm driving I'll call you when I ge" then ignore all texts and calls for 4 hours./.Hi-larious

   I never make the same mistake twice.... Dozens, maybe hundreds of times-but never twice.