Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Music is my Escape from all the Bullsh!t in Life!!!

   If your a$$ had a ''Like'' button, I'd hit it!!!

   My stalker has never sent me a nude pic of herself, I don't think she is taking this relationship serious.

   This has been the Hottet July in U.S. history! And not just because of ''Magic Mike'' and ''50 Shades of Grey'' temperatures have benn up also!!!

   Normal people are the crazy psychos who hide it very well!

   : Ha!! My wife thinks that she's meeting my Italian friend "Fellatio" tonight...

   :Block your husband so I know it's real.

   : The English language is being degraded by slang and this troubles me. Except the phrase, "All up in this b!tch." I think that's a keeper.

   :Dear "I just naturally don't need deodorant" People, Yes...yes you absolutely do. Sincerely, People Who Don't Smell Like Homeless Taint

   Today I walked up to 4 random couples, told the guy,"She likes it counterclockwise", winked at her then walked away. Screw happy couples.

   :Weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.

   For the first time in History, the average Canadian is now wealthier than the average American! Don't be discouraged though, this just gives us the option to borrow money from someone else now!!!

   Dear Women, You know when you pull your bra thru your sleeve & stuff it into the couch? That's as close to us as you'll ever be. Love, Men

   69 = Do unto others as you would like them do unto you.

   If my st@tus upd@tes don't make you spit what you got in your mouth then you're a swallower...and hi there.

   Madonna would definitely eat babies if it meant just an extra moment of youth.

   One time I actually proposed, but she said "I don't think I have it in me". When we finished having sex, I never saw her again.

   "White Girl Wasted" is just another way of saying Drunk enough to cry about a broken cigarette

   You know you're a real a$$hole when even your grandma calls you an a$$hole

   I lose all arguments with my wife because the last time I won I didn't get laid for weeks