Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Writing a poem for my ex. What rhymes with 'I think I got herpes from your sister'?

   You're dead until you prove otherwise.

   You guys haven't lived until your forced against your own will through a v@gina head first completely naked while your dad cuts your cord.

   Love is: doing it in random spots all over the house so no one has to sleep in the wet spot.

   She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up.

   I would rather smack a piñata filled with diarrhea than go down on a Kardashian.

   If you were a real man your girl wouldn't be running to the store for batteries at midnight.

   Why do women get so annoyed when you ask them about their periods? If I was bleeding out of my d!ck, I'd totally want to talk about it.

   I would like to cordially invite you all to shut up concerning what you do not know.

   You know I have friend-zoned you when I call you "Sister" and we are not even related.

   My ex texted me: I Miss You... So I replied: We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a f*ck

   Sometimes being friend-zoned is just like dodging a bullet. Its for your own good.

   In a perfect relationship, the only fight you have is about who gets to sleep on the wet spot.

   WELCOME TO FACEBOOK - The place where people add you as a friend and walk past you in the street.....

   I just met you and this is crazy but I wanna see your titts show me maybe?

   Those picky people on house hunters..should be shot at the end of the show..!

   ladies stop complaining about not being able to find a nice guy who's not a player or cheats open your eyes i'm right here

   I'll bet the best part of being a cat is not knowing what the internet is.

   My nose hair and mustache have apparently completed their long-planned merger.

   If there's one thing I really can't stand when I'm drunk, it's up.