Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her smile used to get me through a tough day. Now her smile just keeps me up all these sleepless nights...wondering...what is this b!tch up to???

   The difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale is a Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." and a Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t..."

   Why is it that I'm a normal, calm, predictable person until I get a pair of secateurs in my hand and I turn into a crazed plant killing maniac?

   I have a job. Still cant afford healthcare.

   gonna get hot, get naked, get wet, gonna rub my hands all over my body and make the windows steam up! Alright, calm down, just gonna take a shower. :)

   What's with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their $tupid event?

   Life is all about A$$! You are either covering it! Kissing it! Busting it! Laughing it off! Trying to get a piece of it! ......Or you live with one!!!

   You know as soon as my ''Swear Jar'' gets full, I'm going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!

   Kris Humphries of the Nets signed a 2yr $24 Million Dollar contract! Not bad considering the Nets are owned by Jay-Z, who's bestfriend is Kanye West, who is banging Humphries ex-wife!!!

   Try this: Tell your children over dinner, ''Due to the Economy,We are going to have to let one of you go!!!

   Sometimes I'll play air bass instead of air guitar just to mess with people.

   I wouldn't be much of a trophy husband. I'd be more of a thanks-for-participating-ribbon husband.

   The NewYork Knicks announced they are going to cut off Beer sales after the 3rd Quarter of games starting next season! Not to worry though, that's just for point guard Jason Kidd!!!

   It's embarrassing when I get caught dressing one of you with my eyes.

   Been looking on Craigslist all day for a pirate ship

   Vacation's over. Downside? Fewer status messages for you. Upside? Less me.

   My kids don't like when I drink, but if it wasn't for alcohol, they wouldn't even be here.

   on a ship of fools in a sea of diarrhea looking for that Island of reality

   The one thing I can guarantee after we have sex is I'm always satisfied.

   if you're not a bowl, joint, blunt, bong or nipple, I have no idea how to suck you.