Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How has the guy who makes Capri Sun straw openings not been up for a job performance review?

   Dragon flys those things no how to party ..flying around while having sex..oh yah.!

   The Dark Knight Rises.....a porn title that requires no alterations.

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   ...if you don't send the person you're stalking a nude photo of yourself, then your not taking that relationship serious enough!

   A fun game to play at a party is to see how many pairs of socks you can sniff before the host asks you to leave.

   Think about how stupid the average person is,and then realize that half of them are stupider than that!!!

   Surely the LAPD has better things to do than bust old men yanking it in an adult movie theater…

   “Oh science, oh science, oh science!!” ~An atheist having sex.

   ''Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?'' ......''No sweetheart she comes with G.I.Joe, she just fakes it with Ken!!!''

   INTERVIEW WITH NAS: Stephen Colbert: Your ex-wife is Kelis ryt? Nas: thats right. Stephen Colbert: Was yo divorce due to the fact that her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard?

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve?

   Prison counts as a gated community, right?

   Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry

   What I lack in imagination,,, I make up.

   My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home,, and forgetting things.

   Well I guess it's ,,,," No more Mr. Nice-Guy "...... ~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy

   My Political-Plumber friend says it's --- Lefty liberal, Righty up-tighty

   Women are just like cartons of Orange Juice! It's not the size or shape that matters. Or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those Fking flaps open!!!

   For the first time ever Women's IQ test scores are higher than Men's!......But to keep it fair they didn't include the ''Blondes'' scores!!!