Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone says "be honest" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.

   8 planets, 1 universe, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and I just HAD to find yo dumbass.

   I hate it when teachers say "From all this talking, I assume you're done." From all this complaining, I assume you're single.

   Congrats on being one of the "cool kids" in Highschool. Too bad about the rest of your life though.

   Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.

   Please don't dress like a slut unless you're really a slut...It's very confusing to us guys.

   Yeah, gonna sue McDonalds. Just ate 7 of their happy meals and now I hate myself.

   Thanks to "50 Shades of Grey" someones fingers smell like 50 cans of Chicken of The Sea.

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   As a skeptic I find it very hard to believe in myself.

   when comforting a grammar nazi I always say "there, they're, their"

   I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should elimnate any more drama.

   Romeo and Juliet is Not a Love Story... It's a 3-Day relationship between a 13 year-old and a 17 year-old that caused 6 Deaths. Sincerely, -Everyone who actually Read it.

   Saw a baby goat rescue a baby sheep........ I kid ewe not

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat

   Foghorn Leghorn would have made a terrible, I say, would have made a terrible, I saya terrible poster.

   I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving

   Just remember, Michael Jordan would not have been a six time NBA champion without the government building the roads that got him to the game!

   If God made me in his image, does that mean he has a third nipple too?

   It's Monday morning sweetie so do me a favor and shut your love hole. No, not that one...the one that makes words.