Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not comfortable with the fact that there's a skeleton inside me.

   Shouldn't love handles really be called hate handles since nobody really wants them?

   If you expect a good comeback, come back later.

   Cheers to Friday & the weekend, but most of all thanks to good weather & friends who will get together!!!

   Maroon 5's song "Payphone" - my kids heard that song and asked, what's a payphone?

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69...

   found it really hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I've turned myself around, and I guess that's what it's all about....

   I'm a guy that loves to show a woman exactly what I like sexually. So I start off every first date with a 2-hour PowerPoint presentation.

   I want to be a bartender for thirty minutes some night, just to put actual rocks in some drinks. Till I get bored. Or punched in the throat.

   Somehow ended up falling asleep reading about plant sexuality last night. Gotta watch out for those polygamodioecious ones. Freaks.

   Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.

   So lately I've started describing myself as OPPOP. That's the opposite of popular and no, you may not use that.

   If you're an American who feels that you are represented in your government, please contact me. I love people with imaginations.

   All I know is that Facebook causes a pile of laundry.

   I don't have any beef with vegetarians.

   What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

   I do an awesome job of playing hard to want.

   It's not stalking if I shift my binoculars from your bedroom windows to the birds that are on your roof every 4 hours. That's bird watching

   Your signature looks like you smoke pot a lot.