Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   : The English language is being degraded by slang and this troubles me. Except the phrase, "All up in this b!tch." I think that's a keeper.

   :Dear "I just naturally don't need deodorant" People, Yes...yes you absolutely do. Sincerely, People Who Don't Smell Like Homeless Taint

   Today I walked up to 4 random couples, told the guy,"She likes it counterclockwise", winked at her then walked away. Screw happy couples.

   :Weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.

   For the first time in History, the average Canadian is now wealthier than the average American! Don't be discouraged though, this just gives us the option to borrow money from someone else now!!!

   Dear Women, You know when you pull your bra thru your sleeve & stuff it into the couch? That's as close to us as you'll ever be. Love, Men

   69 = Do unto others as you would like them do unto you.

   If my st@tus upd@tes don't make you spit what you got in your mouth then you're a swallower...and hi there.

   Madonna would definitely eat babies if it meant just an extra moment of youth.

   One time I actually proposed, but she said "I don't think I have it in me". When we finished having sex, I never saw her again.

   "White Girl Wasted" is just another way of saying Drunk enough to cry about a broken cigarette

   You know you're a real a$$hole when even your grandma calls you an a$$hole

   I lose all arguments with my wife because the last time I won I didn't get laid for weeks

   Life gave you lemons because you stood around with your hands out waiting for someone to give you something. Pick your own goddamn fruit.

   Upon entering a room I announce "what smells in here?" just in case I fart later. That way I'm covered.

   Do you guys realize how hard it is to masturbate while holding binoculars?

   I sometimes wonder why I'm 33 and single. Then I see you with your screaming kids in the grocery store and quickly remember.

   I brought sexy back but I brought it from the 70s and now everyone is laughing at my clothes.

   so passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best , then went shopping at walmart.

   I was walking down the street to work this morning and a guy was sitting on the sidewalk. He held out a cup of change and asked "spare change?". I said "sure, thanks man!" And took the cup. People are really nice in Tacoma.