Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   need a good reliable used car. Which dealership does Mitt work at? I hear he is a good salesman.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Sometimes, the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.

   I don't mind going to work. It's that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.

   Guitar Center is like Wal-Mart, but for musicians

   why would you wan't to add me to your Birthday Calender, are you going to shower me with gifts? That's I thought so?

   JUSTIN BIEBER: "I'm famous because I have thousands of fans and I am only 18." GOKU: "B!tch I have billions of fans and I don't even exist."

   While un-locking the door I dropped my keys this, and in one motion with lightning quick reflexes I caught them and punched myself in the balls.

   What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.

   Why did the snowman smile? Cause the snowblower was coming.

   I met Eminem once, he was pretty awkward, his palms were sweaty, his knees weak, arms were heavy, vomit on his sweater already....

   If you say "Gullible" slowly, it sounds like "Oranges"..

   Mandatory Obamacare...for those that cant afford jobs

   Granddad sure does love his baths - He's been in there for three days now.

   The cats puke looks pretty much exactly like normal cat food. I wonder if they would notice if I just put it back in their bowl?

   You say, "I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating.

   I'm getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to your phone off.

   My body hurts from all the sex I'm not having.

   Just gave my girlfriend my two week notice.

   I'm not addicted to alcohol. I`m just in an abusive relationship with it.