lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   90% of men like to masturbate. The other 10% don't have arms.

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   How many Susan Boyle's does it take to change a lightbulb? AGHHH, Turn it off, turn it off!!

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around.

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes,i'll even put it in my food.

   I just paid $200 to join the National Believers in Reincarnation Club. It cost alot but oh well,you only live once.

   Why does a blonde have TGIF written on thier shoes? Toes Go In First.

   99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   I was thinking about becoming an atheist, but I thought screw it, you don't get any holidays.

   Santa must be a man. No woman would be caught dead wearing the same clothes every Christmas!

   I should have guessed that huge red toy on the wall at the sex shop was too good to be true! Oh well. I might be $50 shorter but I now have a fire extinguisher for the home!

   Tiger Woods: never satisfied with a hole in one.

   chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   My mother wants me to get up and go to work. But the voices in my head want me to stay home and clean the guns.

   heavily medicated for your protection.

   90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

   Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

   Women don't hit harder. We hit lower.

   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.