Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke..... in which I talk about having a wife.

   My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn. I told her, I love my car but I still watch NASCAR

   Since when did these all reality shows start using hearing impaired captions for all their daily drama?? Oh wait, my bad. I logged onto Facebook.

   Anyone who lets facebook determine their relationships is an infant.

   For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.

   I'm sorry, I don't see why you can't have a crack house AND have it tastefully decorated.

   How has the guy who makes Capri Sun straw openings not been up for a job performance review?

   Dragon flys those things no how to party ..flying around while having sex..oh yah.!

   The Dark Knight Rises.....a porn title that requires no alterations.

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   ...if you don't send the person you're stalking a nude photo of yourself, then your not taking that relationship serious enough!

   A fun game to play at a party is to see how many pairs of socks you can sniff before the host asks you to leave.

   Think about how stupid the average person is,and then realize that half of them are stupider than that!!!

   Surely the LAPD has better things to do than bust old men yanking it in an adult movie theater…

   “Oh science, oh science, oh science!!” ~An atheist having sex.

   ''Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?'' ......''No sweetheart she comes with G.I.Joe, she just fakes it with Ken!!!''

   INTERVIEW WITH NAS: Stephen Colbert: Your ex-wife is Kelis ryt? Nas: thats right. Stephen Colbert: Was yo divorce due to the fact that her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard?

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve?

   Prison counts as a gated community, right?

   Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry