Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gay men in the missionary position are just like yogurt: Fruit on the bottom.

   Between James Holmes, the Penn State case, and the Penn State fans... there's just a lot of sick people in the world. Trust no one!!

   Life throws you s%it, but the s%it is not always a bad thing, it's taking you to better places…

   Sometimes I just want to slap the stupid out of people, but I'm worried it'd take up my entire day

   I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.

   Husband-Y r there torn condoms lying on sofa? Wife-What? Where? Wife goes 2 find them & comes back angrily saying-Will you stop calling our children “Torn condoms”?

   We all at some point in our lives' think that the who, what & where are not what you thought it to be, but in the end you will have the life with whom you wanted & all the what's accomplished and more importantly be exactly where YOU want to be. Life

   I love how the best things in life are unexpected

   It is a scientific fact that the gravatational pull of a woman's cleavage on a man's eyes is too strong to be fought!!!

   A paper boy said to a customer ''Mr Smith, I wish I had 20 customers like you!'' ''Wow thats ice to hear considering I never tip and always pay late.'' said Smith The paper boy said ''I know, that's why I'd like 20 customers like you, I have 150 right now

   Everyone seems Normal until you get to know them!!!

   Avoid arguements about the toilet seat.........use the sink!!!

   I'm on the road to recovery......I'm just making a stop at the liquor store first

   Facebook is the best international stalking game I have ever played.

   It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them!!!

   Charm me with your beauty and intelligence or just wait till I'm really drunk.

   If I stop my car for you to walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knee's to chest b!tch , knee's to chest!!!

   My girlfriend is almost perfect. She loves everything about me; listens to me, and cares about my feelings. Her only flaw? She does not exist.

   I'm not saying you're ugly! I'm just saying you're a 12 pack away from being why type!!!

   I think it is so impolite for people to sneak up on you while you are talking about them behind their back!!!