Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Final Destination 5"... well someone doesn't understand the meaning of 'Final'.

   Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Therefore, I am a potato.

   Boy, the "Chiller" channel has dropped the ball this afternoon. It's showing a movie titled "Midnight Movie" where a deranged killer stalks movie patrons.

   BTW,,,,,I'm wearing my Asshat crooked today

   My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend,,,, that's all you need to know.

   Last night I watched a TV show about burritos spinning in a circle for 2 hours before I realized I was really high & staring at my microwave

   Thank you so much for waking me up at 7.30 this morning with your text informing me that I may be entitled to compensation for that car accident I had. That must be the one where I lost all memory of the whole day. Just send me a cheque and let me sleep i

   The reason folks who don't work @ Walmart know the deficit was 11 trillion in 2007 is because they graduated from high school and their sister in-wife isn't also their mother.

   Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."

   A cure has been found for homosexuality. Lip balm - you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.

   Your wife included! She enjoys it the most!

   I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

   If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug.

   I talk to an imaginary live studio audience when I'm making dinner.

   I've been struggling with my laziness. I can't decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.

   Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

   Michael Vick announced that he is probably going to get another Dog soon! Dogs now are like ''Meow!''

   I would love to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

   Just got this text message, not sure if it's spam:"Congratulations! You have won A £50 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   Bill the serial flasher was thinking of retiring, but he's decided he's gonna stick it out for another year.