Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chick-fil-a has been taking alot of heat for it's stance against Same Sex Marriage! To show they are progreesing with trhe times,they I'll be releasing a new food item today. The ''Chick on Chick'' Sandwich!

   If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one?

   Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?

   You can't control love. That's the best and worst part of it.

   Saying that "Gun sellers are accomplices to crimes" would be like me saying spoons made me fat.

   There is no problem so big that it can't be solved with a little self-delusion.

   May the best drugs win..... London2012

   I hate when I'm spending a quiet night with my girlyfriend and the cops ruin it by arresting me for home invasion, false imprisonment, kidnapping and harassment.

   I don't remember what I got arrested for but I do remember the female cop complimenting my buns of steel.

   My girlfriend asked me if could help her with her math homework. It confused the shit out of me, mainly because I didn't know my hand talked

   You can't say happiness without saying penis. Coincidence ? I think NOT...

   The only time to diet is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.

   Lemme get this straight. You were just on transit in England for 2 days and now you have a British accent!! Quite the bafoonery.

   If I ever had enough money... I would start up my own towing company... and call it "Camel Towing"!

   Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

   They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically calls in sick for me.

   There is a new scale that tells your weight about 50 lbs less..Its in an APP...for your phone.. Dont beleive me? Step on it and you will see !

   A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."

   A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

   n't the term "politically correct" an oxymoron?