Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I get on facebook I get excited when I see the red numbers over the globe thing, until I open it and find it is for a stupid game request

   I think instead of "LOL"....Im gonna go with "SALTS" (Smiled a little then stopped). Its more truthful

   Let me know when you're off your Man-Period!!!

   Chick-fil-a announced today they have a new policy concerning patrons! ....Men will no longer be able to share their ''Nuggets!''

   Sherman Hemsley, aka George Jefferson, is movin' on up. Yeah, movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. RIP George

   The view of your Bedroom is perfect from this tree!

   it poontang or puddingtang?.....I need to know real fast this English Composition is due today!!!

   You don't have to be Crazy to be my friend!........But it sure helps!

   Women sex toys cost money for Batteries! Men's sex toys cost money for rent, clothes, groceries.......

   Never in my life have I ever seen someone so excited to take a sh!t!----Those Bears in the Charmin commercial

   It's going to feel real good to wack the next person I catch in the office kitchen with the paper towel roll that has half a piece left due to their lack of laziness!!!

   It's going to feel real good to wack the next person I catch in the office kitchen who leaves a half peice of paper towel on the roll and finds it to lazy to open up a new one!!!

   A North Korean man announce yesterday that his Dog gave birth to a 1/2 Dog 1/2 Cat offspring! Also referred to in Korea as the #2 ''Combo''!!!

   RIP ... George Jefferson.....Father of Swag

   Just to remind you: about 152 Days left to Christmas and 148 until the end of world happens again! Enjoy it!

   I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow..."Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"...."Sticks?" I replied.

   My dad worked on the roadwork?s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there

   In a club last night and this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my ar5e and said " give me your phone number sexy " I said " have you got a pen " she smiled and said " yes " I said " well feck off back to it,before the farmer notices your missing

   No Facebook. I don't want to poke that person back. Now, if you give me an option to slap someone, I will take you up on that

   Reportedly, there are many trucking jobs that no one wants. Attn trucking Industry: make trucking more like the battle at the end of Mad Max II.