Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not you.. It's me. And my inability to tolerate you any longer.

   The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.

   Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.

   Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,, and just started enjoying reading and writing posts..

   My other palindrome is a kayak.................................... my new bumpersticker

   A couple who had been together for 25yrs and raised 10 children was asked what the secret to staying together was. The wife replied ''Many years ago we made an agreement that the first one to leave has to take all the children with them!!!''

   FYI - Double check whats in the cup on the nightstand before waking up and taking a big drink.... Nothing like watered down crown and coke first thing in the morning...

   Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.....

   A person automatically becomes ten times more attractive when you find out they like you!!!

   Got a little too much Sun today! I knew I should have closed the blinds!

   California announced that Marijuana Dispensaries will be closing! Do they realize the dramatic impact this will have on the economy. Sales of Funyons, 7-11 Burritos, Visine, and all other junk food are going to plummet!!!

   Life needs to give out Vodka now, enough lemons collected

   ..... the next event on the Olympics calender is the unsynchronized FLAG & COUNTRY competition ...

   I just spelled something so badly that my autocorrect had to LOL.

   If there are two lanes, the left one is the fast lane. If you are being passed on the right, you are a jerk.

   Nobody should regret anything that made them smile.

   Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!

   LIKE if you remember what it was like to take a ton of pictures only to wait a week to find out they were useless.

   The most annoying sound = When a fly comes into your house and gets stuck in between the window and the blinds.

   Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2011: he died of hunger.