Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gonna dress in drag and head on up to Chik-Fil-A!

   You don't give up your car when someone else drives drunk! So why would you give up your gun when someone else commits a crime with a gun?!

   So the North Korean soccer team won their opening game at the Olympics yesterday! I'm guessing they will be allowed to live, at least until they lose!

   Penn State announced the reason they took down the Joe Paterno statue was becuase of the jokes and fun the University was being subjected to! This coming from a school that has a stadium named ''Beaver''

   My wife is so much more attractive without having glasses on. That's why I always take mine off when I get home from work!

   If they played it would be the 1992 ''Dream Team'' vs.2012 ''Keep Dreamin Team''

   So an eleven year old boy managed to travel all the way to Rome by himself? He must be very brave going that close to the Vatican...

   No, I don't wanna know any of your real names. I've never recovered from finding out that Ice T's name is Tracey

   Who wants to come over and watch me collect dog turds on the wheels of my lawn mower?

   How long after the first date should I wait before asking to get my bra & panties back?

   You do not have to understand my silence but don't you dare criticize it.

   Some of you I'd like to take under my wing like a mother hen. Others of you I'd like to trap between my thighs like the Cougar that I am.

   I'd ask if you wanted to sleep over, but with my 12 cats, stuffed animal collection, & my late night stabbing urges, it might be a red flag.

   Adele sounds so different when you're not on your period.

   I often ask myself "What's wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can't drink at work"

   With my grandkids, I just assume that any word they use that I don't understand is a Pokemon creature.

   It's not you.. It's me. And my inability to tolerate you any longer.

   The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.

   Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.

   Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,, and just started enjoying reading and writing posts..