Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every Bond movie is like a porno that never happens.

   At what point during a one-night stand can you invite him to meet your parents?

   Just once I'd like to break out in song and not be "removed from the premises" and "warned for the last time".

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   When you're an Olympic-size slut, every day is an opening ceremony.

   Attorney General Eric Holder will take away all your guns!........ Mexican Drug Cartel ''That;s where I got mine!!!''

   Drove by an automated speed sign, it said "SLOW DOWN! YOUR SPEED IS 45MPH" It was right next the sign that said "Speed Limit 45 MPH".

   I was outback chopping ome wood with my ''ask'' and this woman walked up and ''axed'' me a question!!!

   I hate when I mistake my finger for a fry.

   If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job wuld just come available I'll get it!!!''

   I've been asking God to send me my soulmate. Either he's not listening or we've got very different ideas on how she should look.

   My kids are so disciplined they spank themselves. Though I think one of them is starting to do it even when he's not in trouble.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was not that great.. The guy who invented the other three now he's a GENIUS!

   My amazing existence should qualify as a community service.

   I was an Athlete in school. I Dreamt of running in the Olympics one day! Now, I dream of just getting my fat a$$ off the couch!!!

   Unless someone want's to share, I'm staying single because all the good ones have been taken.

   Every week almost 30 people die from FDA approved drugs while Marijuana remains illegal with 0 deaths.

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the opposite of what you told them.

   All my life I've wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Melissa Fontana in Silver Spring, Md. ''There are multiple listings for Melissa Fontana, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake!''