Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In honor of Michael Phelps 4th place finish, I'm firing up the bong.......

   Every morning you have two choices: be productive and really shine, OR pour some coffee, log inn and start posting. Hello, darlings.

   A state hghway dept crew reached their jobsite and realized they forgot all the shovels! The foreman radioed the office and informed them of the situation. The suprvsr responded 'Dont worry we'll send the shovels just lean on eachother until they arrive!!

   I wasnt planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

   After today, it looks like the only chance Michael Phelps has at seeing gold is pissing in the pool.

   When someone puts you on the backburner, kick them the f*&^ outta the kitchen!

   Shopping for a minivan at a car show while you're married is like going to a strip club and looking at the DJ.

   Someone should invent padded underwear for men to get back at women for wearing pushup bras

   When life Knocks you down, calmly get up, smile, and say " You hit like a Bi&ch"

   A Socialist, a Marxist and a Communist walk into a bar. And the bartender says "Hi Barack!!!"

   Remember,,, Great sex is one involuntary fart away from being funny sex

   When does the Brazilian Pole Dancing Team come on?

   Hey,,,If you watch that last episode of Cops backwards, they uncuff my Dad, let him drive off recklessly, chase him, then give up..

   too lazy to inform everyone that I am cleaning my friend list, so feel free to unfriend yourselves.

   Before you make your birthday wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of the English language. Unrelated- would anyone wanna purchase a massive rooster, a bunch if wet Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey.

   Women will cost you more money than a drug habit, business adventure ect.....matter of fact the reason the v@gina is shaped that way is so you can swipe your credit card thru and be done with it!!

   A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walk into a bar. And the bartender says "Hi Mitt!"

   Hey girls, Please stop stabbing each other in the back. You're giving real women a bad name.

   If my posts DON'T much make sense,,, Well that's because I'm an idiot.... And If my posts DO make any sense,,, Well that's because you're an idiot...

   I got in trouble at the movie theaters for putting a 'wet floor' sign infront of the door to"Magic Mike"