Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like my daddy always said, "just because it kills your liver, dont mean it aint medicine."

   I was so poor growing up, we had to use BOTH sides of the toilet paper.

   Did anyone else leave the new Dark Knight movie looking forward more to the next Anne Hathaway movie than another sub par attempt at the Dark Knight

   The reason you can't go back afrer going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.

   O.K.,,, That's ENOUGH !,, This is the 3rd hose-fight I've broken up today,, And the 2nd one involving actual hoses......

   I told the NCAA I was a Penn State fan and they "vacated" my last 15 birthdays which restores me to my early 20's...Anyone up for a game of beer pong tonight? ツ

   I'm one of those guys who can eat whatever I want and not get pregnant.

   I don't care who you are. If you can constantly make me laugh, I'm probably gonna wanna do you.

   The instructions on the shampoo were not clear enough and now I need help removing the bottle from my ass :'(

   kristen stewart apparently cheated on robert pattinson....perhaps she needs a bit LESS "sssparkle" and bit more FIREWORKS...this one will prolly drive him right outta the closet...

   Remember; It's always better to ask for forgiveness than for permission except when it's about @nal.

   I remember the days when I wasn't addicted to Facebook...I also remember eating, sleeping, going out, returning calls, making eye contact,

   Rooster+Rooster=No Egg....Hen+ Hen= No Egg....Rooster+ Hen=Egg/Chicken........Now you know why Chick-fil-a supports traditional couples!

   Women are just like Hurricanes, because when they come they're wet & wild! And when they leave they're taking the house and car!!!

   I would be the worst 911 Operator! ''Excuse me ma'am, I think you mean 'The Robber is over there!' Not over their or over they're!!''

   My car is really just a portable storage unit

   Just pounded 2, 5 hour energy shots... Rap battled a stutterer, Lost... Played M.J. Fox at jenga. Lost... Played patty cake with E. Honda, Win!

   Hey Dude with the Antique license plate. Just cause your car is from 1982 doesnt mean its an antique. Its a piece of sh!t

   Girls at parties are like parking spaces, if you're late all the good ones are gone, So when nobody's looking you stick it in the disabled one....

   President Obama said 1992's dream team was better than this year's Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992's president is better than this year's president