Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night. -_-

   I have a feeling that If I were to be sorted by the sorting hat at hogwarts, I'd be directly sent to the kitchens to work with the house elves.

   What if Pitbull hasn't really slept with all those girls and he is just bragging?

   I thought of quitting smoking. But all those smoke rings I make from cigarette puffs are so adorable!

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   I decided to leave the paperboy a tip! I left some at the end of the driveway, in the bushes,by the sprinkler, everywhere but my at my front door!!!

   The way Police check to see if you're wearing your seat belt they should do to make sure ''Certain'' people are wearing Condoms!!!

   At a Hotal a Man accidentally bumps into a Woman beside him and as he does his elbow touches her Brea$t. The man says ''Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your brea$t I know you'll forgive me!'' Her ''If your Pen!$ is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 436

   Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. Everyone I told swore they wouldn't tell anyone else

   What's the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got Fat

   There are certain things in life that are a waste of time and energy. That's why I don't hold in my farts

   when I get on facebook I get excited when I see the red numbers over the globe thing, until I open it and find it is for a stupid game request

   I think instead of "LOL"....Im gonna go with "SALTS" (Smiled a little then stopped). Its more truthful

   Let me know when you're off your Man-Period!!!

   Chick-fil-a announced today they have a new policy concerning patrons! ....Men will no longer be able to share their ''Nuggets!''

   Sherman Hemsley, aka George Jefferson, is movin' on up. Yeah, movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. RIP George

   The view of your Bedroom is perfect from this tree!

   it poontang or puddingtang?.....I need to know real fast this English Composition is due today!!!

   You don't have to be Crazy to be my friend!........But it sure helps!

   Women sex toys cost money for Batteries! Men's sex toys cost money for rent, clothes, groceries.......