Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im starting to worry that my Guardian Angel is a crack head!

   Samuel L. Jackson knows he can turn down movies, right?

   They show sex on TV, but radio has 'Bleeps'.......Way to go FCC.

   According to weather.com,,, there appears to be a HUGE ad for car insurance moving in from the west..... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES !!!!

   I'm starting to get a wee bit tired of these retro ecards. I prefer reading status's in 3D, real time....

   Yes,, Grandchildren ARE our future,,, But they're ALSO the reason why there's a smooshed sandwich in my Pricey Blu-Ray player,,,,, Hmm, our future

   Ooo Ooo Ooo Sometimes... I get a good feeling... Like today... Cause it's FRIIIIIDAAAYYYYY!!!!!

   The problem with Chinese New Year is that you're ready for another new year only an hour later.

   "Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" – the Working Title of my new Childrens book

   You guys are SO lucky that I "like" posts on a curve

   Happy birthday to my Dad,,,, who was yelling stuff from the toilet with the door open 36 years before Facebook was created.

   Darn it,,,,, It's almost August and I'm still writing Slovakia on my Czechs!

   Sometimes life beats you up and you forget how awesome you are. Thank god for alcohol to help you remember.

   Status Upd@tes are like skirts. The shorter the better.

   Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I'm getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

   I get my daily starches through vodka.

   She said the 'F' word. She called us Friends.

   ...“I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday”...

   11 year old found on plane heading to Rome. Seems the Pope was ordering some take out!

   If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?