Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tough guys who were their sunglasses on the back of heir heads are just covering up their gay eyes that check out other guys dongs behind them.

   I just spelled something so badly that autocorrect shot milk out of it's nose.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   If I could fly, I'd probably still just sit around and complain alot.

   "Ugh...I get one CALL?? Can I please just text someone?" ~me in prison

   I went to Chick-fil-a for lunch...You have to try the Chick on Chick sandwich...

   A gentle breeze blowing through my neigbors windchime collection is the perfect background soundtrack for me taking a dump in his yard.

   Have you guys ever had sex sober? It's actually kind of gross.

   I am glad McDonalds doesn't sell hotdogs! I would hate to order a McWeiner!...And don't even get me started on Super Size!!!

   Staringat his blood covered hands muttering, "what did I do for this Klondike bar?".

   Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.

   I just saved a bunch of money on toilet paper by shaving my a$$hole.

   I was so drunk last night at the bar. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   It would be cool if Chick-Fil-A replaced the muppet toys with boy scout action figures.......

   Am I the only one who's never seen a pizza delivery girl??

   “I never said she stole my money” has 7 different meanings depending on the word you stress...

   If you have to give me CPR and your breath stinks just let me die.

   If you think my status upd@tes are ridiculous, you should see my life choices.

   Shout out to all the girls who's tittiez look like they have been left in water too long

   16 and pregnant? how about 18 and graduated!