Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait for 12G phones,,, They'll be able to post my posts before I'm finished typing them,, And they'll probably be funnier too.

   Beauty of Vodka:It looks lik Water!! Beauty of School:Water Bottles are Allowed Irony of Life:We didn't Realize This During Our School Days.

   Your profile picture brings the old saying "You can't polish a turd" to mind

   Yes, the carpet does match the drapes but all the furniture is from Goodwill.

   During the opening Olympic ceramony I thought the Chinese uniforms looked pretty good!....And the ones worn by the Chinese team weren't too bad either!!!

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're a wet paper towel on a stick

   Man Rule #6......Men's Olympic Swimming events are the ''Only'' I repeat ''Only'' time speedo's are allowed!!!

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!

   Aww I'm sorry you're mad the world doesn't revolve around you. Here...let me pour you a nice, tall glass of Get Over It.

   Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden? Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we lived twice?

   It's so hot outside, I bet Jehovah's Witnesses are going to start telemarketing.

   If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.

   Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.

   Trying to change my ways.......Now when I pick my nose, I don't wipe it on people anymore.

   Weeds not a drug? Ha! Ya and Tomatoes aren't Vegetables! Wait....they aren't!

   Whte Kid: SHUT UP MOM!!! Mom: *Shuts Up* Blck Kid: SHUT UP MOM! *Wakes up* Where am I? Doctor: Intensive care. O.O

   i had a really bad day today. First , my ex girlfriend got hit by a bus. Then, I got fired from the bus company..

   So whats the deal with all the Athletes, biting their GOLD Medals.... Is England's economy that Bad or are they hoping they are the Choclate filled Medals?????

   To be fair, my hand is prettier than most of the girls I've slept with, I should stop cheating on it.

   I love being naked in a house alone... It's just a little awkward when the owner's arrive.