Funny Status Messages

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   They need to put more spider poison in these air freshners .

   If Costco doesn't start serving beer samples using a topless server, I'm seriously considering taking my business to Hooters!

   Whatever you do, please don't take off your...AHHHH!!! I asked you to not take off your makeup!

   OK..... Not making an Olympic Soccer joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   My refrigerator beeps for a problem, but it has trouble being more specific... "What's that, little guy? Timmy's fallen down the well?"

   The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is sure, just talk about Passive Aggressive Club all you want... No, It's fine. Go ahead.. I don't mind.. WHATEVER..

   I wish I got as excited to see other humans as my dog gets when he sees other dogs.

   Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish by using my voice to just sing in the car instead of to save the music industry..

   Hey republican..ssshhhh....you had me at "common sense"

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   I know "C.G.I." is getting more and more realistic,,,,, but I can almost always tell if a movie has real dinosaurs or not.

   Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit

   I'm not watching the Olympics, but I've seen Cool Runnings, so like, I get it.

   A recent gallop poll shows that horses prefer trotting.

   My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.

   I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.

   The two most annoying things on Earth, unibrows and Indian accents.

   Everybody who needed tech support was screwed when they outsourced it to India way before the blackout.

   ''What doesn't kill you makes you smaller!'' -ask Super Mario