Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so my son stayed up until 11 last night watching a movie with us and he still got up at 6:45am... hmmm, next time use vodka in his juice maybe? Hey, I just drugged you, this is crazy, but here's a pillow, sleep in maybe?!?!?!

   Why is that when a girl says, "I'm going to die alone," it elicits sympathetic awws, but when I say it people just nod uncomfortably...

   I wake up easy most of the time, but every now and then, I wake up hard.

   I was born at a very early age.

   Robert Pattinson said Kristen Stewart humiliated him. Then he added it was even more humiliating than being in Twilight.

   "Dude I wasn't that drunk".... "Dude you started watching the Twilight Trilogy"

   So this Kristen Stewart cheating stuff... Still a better love story than Twilight.

   Don't judge a book by it's cover... Unless that book is Twilight, then you can judge the book and it's reader.

   Kristen Stew@rt is apologizing for "everything she has done", which I'm assuming includes the Twilight series.

   Paul Mccartney just won the Gold medal in old.

   Paul McCartney is looking more and more like Angela Lansbury every day.

   If Paul McCartney's guitar isn't made out of one of Heather Mills' spare legs, I'm gonna be p*ssed.

   I want a person to come into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.

   There's no place like home. (to poop)

   The chocolate fountain..... Not the first runny brown liquid to be produced by Golden Corral.

   Gee. Lets ask an openly christian man who owns a chain of restaurants that are closed on Sunday what his beliefs on gay marriage are, then act surprised when we find out his beliefs.... Idiots.

   Wonder what events al-Qaeda will be participating in.

   I get zero respect in this house and I know for a fact that I'm the toughest one in here.

   When are these Olympic nuts gonna get it? Hot chicks, in bikinis, jumping on trampolines. The perfect opening ceremony. It can be applied to half time shows too.

   If these walls could talk, I'd move out because having talking walls would a little freaky...