Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mr Bean should win the Nobel Peace Prize for recycling...the same lame act for the past 25 years.

   I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors

   Good news guys! Only 17 more days until we can stop hearing about the Olympics!

   I would motorboat you, but the water looks a little shallow.

   I don't drink water, unless it's been through a brewery first.

   I hate it when I remove myself from around people to fart in peace and they follow me right after I have release a big one.

   When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

   Those opening ceremonies were so lame that...no to call it lame would be a compliment.

   Why are you playing video games when I have all this pu$$y?

   All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.

   This chick got mad at me one time because that's what they do.

   Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   I'm just a guy searching for love and someone to bang the hell out of.

   Rather than wasting time preparing to go to heaven when you die, how about joining us in celebrating and enjoying life here on earth.

   Won a gold medal in the brolympics tonight for hooking up with the fat friend.

   I've never stolen a kiss, but I've paid for a relationship.

   My house is like a casino. There are free drinks, no clocks, and lots of skimpy outfits. Now who wants to play slots?

   My girlfriend always keep her boobs pressed against my face when she asks me for expensive things.She calls it the "Booby trap"

   Caster Simenya's moustache is bigger than mine. I wonder what else of her's is bigger than mine.