Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy. Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year. Me: I saw it.

   the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when I got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

   My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

   Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

   “I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

   freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later

   Wait…was it my left or your left? -me as a surgeon

   I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.

   Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

   No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

   The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

   I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

   Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp? Me: 1970.

   My back has gone out more than I have this year.

   Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

   My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

   It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

   *neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car* you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

   They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.

   Jeffrey Toobin said he was willing to lend a hand, with Thursdays debate.