Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't do drugs. I just smoke weed.

   They should make untangling headphones an olympic sport.

   Welcome to " Its Friday, b!tch3s!" You may place your attitudes in a laid back or don't give a phock position, underwear is optional, and as always, thank you for joining us on this weekend adventure!!

   Hmmm,,, So all the instruments used to find "intelligent life" pointed "AWAY" from earth???,,,,, Yeah,, that makes sense...

   So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

   Girls who are easy on the eyes are usually hard on the balls and wallet.

   Every Bond movie is like a porno that never happens.

   At what point during a one-night stand can you invite him to meet your parents?

   Just once I'd like to break out in song and not be "removed from the premises" and "warned for the last time".

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   When you're an Olympic-size slut, every day is an opening ceremony.

   Attorney General Eric Holder will take away all your guns!........ Mexican Drug Cartel ''That;s where I got mine!!!''

   Drove by an automated speed sign, it said "SLOW DOWN! YOUR SPEED IS 45MPH" It was right next the sign that said "Speed Limit 45 MPH".

   I was outback chopping ome wood with my ''ask'' and this woman walked up and ''axed'' me a question!!!

   I hate when I mistake my finger for a fry.

   If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job wuld just come available I'll get it!!!''

   I've been asking God to send me my soulmate. Either he's not listening or we've got very different ideas on how she should look.

   My kids are so disciplined they spank themselves. Though I think one of them is starting to do it even when he's not in trouble.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was not that great.. The guy who invented the other three now he's a GENIUS!

   My amazing existence should qualify as a community service.