Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3369 of 6446

I don't do drugs. I just smoke weed.

They should make untangling headphones an olympic sport.

Welcome to " Its Friday, b!tch3s!" You may place your attitudes in a laid back or don't give a phock position, underwear is optional, and as always, thank you for joining us on this weekend adventure!!

Hmmm,,, So all the instruments used to find "intelligent life" pointed "AWAY" from earth???,,,,, Yeah,, that makes sense...
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07-27-2012 14:59 by snotty
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So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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07-27-2012 14:48 by Baddie
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Girls who are easy on the eyes are usually hard on the balls and wallet.
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07-27-2012 14:44
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Every Bond movie is like a porno that never happens.
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07-27-2012 14:42 by bfinest
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At what point during a one-night stand can you invite him to meet your parents?
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07-27-2012 14:35
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Just once I'd like to break out in song and not be "removed from the premises" and "warned for the last time".
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07-27-2012 14:32
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You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
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07-27-2012 14:22 by Baddie
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When you're an Olympic-size slut, every day is an opening ceremony.
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07-27-2012 14:18
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Attorney General Eric Holder will take away all your guns!........ Mexican Drug Cartel ''That;s where I got mine!!!''

Drove by an automated speed sign, it said "SLOW DOWN! YOUR SPEED IS 45MPH" It was right next the sign that said "Speed Limit 45 MPH".
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07-27-2012 14:15 by K-Mac
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I was outback chopping ome wood with my ''ask'' and this woman walked up and ''axed'' me a question!!!

I hate when I mistake my finger for a fry.
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07-27-2012 14:11
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If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job wuld just come available I'll get it!!!''

I've been asking God to send me my soulmate. Either he's not listening or we've got very different ideas on how she should look.
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07-27-2012 13:57
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My kids are so disciplined they spank themselves. Though I think one of them is starting to do it even when he's not in trouble.
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07-27-2012 13:56
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The guy who invented the first wheel was not that great.. The guy who invented the other three now he's a GENIUS!
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07-27-2012 13:55
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My amazing existence should qualify as a community service.
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07-27-2012 13:45
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