Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   German tampons should be called twatstikas.

   My wife is a liar! Last night I texted her and asked here where she was, she said with her sister Emma. I Was with her sister Emma!!

   Statistics never show how many accidents each year are the direct result of a guy checking out some chick's ass.

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and a gay Chinese guy jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   Playing with your phone in public is the new I don't know what to do with myself.

   We don't have to go to church - lets stay in bed and have our own religious experience.

   No woman can ever be into you, unless with a strap-on.

   Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

   Sometimes I just get so frustrated by the rush-hour traffic that I slam my head on the steering wheel. That's usually followed by the bus driver telling me to get out.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now

   Willow Smith is 11 years old and has a tongue piercing, half of her hair shaved off, and is claiming to be bisexual? Sounds like somebody needs to move in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

   If McDonald's made a deep fried pickle covered in a batter and called it the McDill Dough... would you order one?

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, what's the name of Justin Bieber's first album?

   Just walked a mile in my own shoes............ not as good as I thought I'd be

   XBox Kinect Sports is so life-like... I just got picked last!

   Some of my favorite posts don't always get a lot of stars.. That's O.K. They know I love them,, and they love me back... That's all we need.

   I can't wait for 12G phones,,, They'll be able to post my posts before I'm finished typing them,, And they'll probably be funnier too.

   Beauty of Vodka:It looks lik Water!! Beauty of School:Water Bottles are Allowed Irony of Life:We didn't Realize This During Our School Days.

   Your profile picture brings the old saying "You can't polish a turd" to mind

   Yes, the carpet does match the drapes but all the furniture is from Goodwill.