Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been constipated for 3 days now. I'm half expecting a ransom note from arse demanding money for the safe release of my next poo.

   You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

   The people who deserve to live the best of life are the exact same ones living the worst of it.

   Wine is to women as duct tape is to men… it fixes everything.

   Life ain't nothing but: female dogs and gardening tools!

   I've just spent the last 5 hours on mine craft accomplishing more than I ever will in real life

   Tomorrow can be just another day or it could be the first day of the rest of your life. Change happens by choice not coincidence.

   I like to restate the obvious, it's important obviously

   My dog pissed on the carpet so I made him smoke a whole carton of cigarettes. Dont blame me, I'm new to this whole dog training thing.

   When all is said and done then there is nothing left to say or do.

   It's not true love until they offer to get decapitated, cooked and eaten by you.

   My ex has so many screws loose that she could open a hardware store.

   I know my limit....until I start drinking

   "So.....you went to college to get a job and you have a job to pay for college." .....What a great economic system the Rothschilds & Rockefellers created!

   I see you speeding up when I'm trying to pass you. Why couldn't you go this fast when I was behind you?

   My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection. "What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it," she said. It's good to see the system's working.

   When the teacher says you'll be working with partners then adds ''But I'll be assigning them!''

   16 and a Olympian > 16 and Pregnent

   3AM text message ''Hey are you asleep?''....''No I'm scuba diving!''