Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women will cost you more money than a drug habit, business adventure ect.....matter of fact the reason the v@gina is shaped that way is so you can swipe your credit card thru and be done with it!!

   A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walk into a bar. And the bartender says "Hi Mitt!"

   Hey girls, Please stop stabbing each other in the back. You're giving real women a bad name.

   If my posts DON'T much make sense,,, Well that's because I'm an idiot.... And If my posts DO make any sense,,, Well that's because you're an idiot...

   I got in trouble at the movie theaters for putting a 'wet floor' sign infront of the door to"Magic Mike"

   Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance! *this fb status had been approved and paid for by Alcohol

   turns out I don't know the back of my hand as well as I thought I did.

   No joke, if I win the lottery I'm buying a full tank of gas!

   Hey evolution, how about a second liver?

   The lingerie store at the mall has a buy 2 get the 3rd free sale, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.

   Feeling so old, the only thing I'm exercising is caution.

   You call it Russian Roulette I call it coming home from work every day.

   Thanks Iron Chef America. Ever since hot dogs were the secret ingredient my husband thinks he's Bobby effing Flay…

   My girlfriends yelling at me for being "controlling." Funny thing is I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

   When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?

   After a week in Miami, I realize it's not the heat, it's the stupidity…

   Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?

   There's no recipe in this world that raisins can't ruin.

   I quit believing in reincarnation several lives ago.

   Just found $4 on the ground. Well, more like $2.40 after my ex wife claims her share