Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ah Summer. That time of year when you want sexy women to post bikini pics but only the fatties do.

   I hate a liar more than a thief. A thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.

   its no longer the little birdy that told you something. now days its "i seen it on facebook."

   Just remember foks, when ya ask to borrow someone's phone....nobody takes the newspaper into the bathroom anymore!!

   World population:7,018,521,683....just incase some1 starts feeling too important

   I am only writing this so people wont think I'm loney while sitting at the bar by myseld....

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   They need to put more spider poison in these air freshners .

   If Costco doesn't start serving beer samples using a topless server, I'm seriously considering taking my business to Hooters!

   Whatever you do, please don't take off your...AHHHH!!! I asked you to not take off your makeup!

   OK..... Not making an Olympic Soccer joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   My refrigerator beeps for a problem, but it has trouble being more specific... "What's that, little guy? Timmy's fallen down the well?"

   The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is sure, just talk about Passive Aggressive Club all you want... No, It's fine. Go ahead.. I don't mind.. WHATEVER..

   I wish I got as excited to see other humans as my dog gets when he sees other dogs.

   Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish by using my voice to just sing in the car instead of to save the music industry..

   Hey republican..ssshhhh....you had me at "common sense"

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   I know "C.G.I." is getting more and more realistic,,,,, but I can almost always tell if a movie has real dinosaurs or not.

   Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit

   I'm not watching the Olympics, but I've seen Cool Runnings, so like, I get it.