Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.

   Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. It's just a picture book with women b!tching.

   If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Kool Aid guy.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work.

   Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.

   Your worst enemy lives in your head.

   I WILL ANNOY YOU INTO LOVING ME!

   Your electric bill is not an acceptable topic of conversation.

   I love you, but I'm not in "change my relationship status on FB" love with you

   I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.

   Dude, I don't care if it is a suitcase on wheels. If you have a bag, I'm gonna call it a "murse."

   Personally, I'm a big fan of wind mills.... Get it??

   The world lost Steve Jobs about 10 months ago, which makes me think heaven by now must have wifi.

   Saw that Poland just won the country's first gold metal.... they were so happy, they had it bronzed!

   "I'll make delicious food and you will eat it and then I will give you grief for getting fat and how you will die alone" - Mom

   The first thing I do when I answer the phone is hang up.

   My fat next door neighbor is lying face down on her front lawn. Don't know if she's passed out or eating the grass.

   I FINALLY got a new i-phone,, and for those wondering how long it would take to get chocolate smudged in it?? Shut-up.

   You chose tragic love story I choose avoiding preventable tragedies