Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   China is now entering sperm as contestants in olympic swimming events, claiming they are of age.

   What do you call a white guy who parties too much? A club cracker.

   I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground

   You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower

   coyote ugly does not begin to describe what happened to me last night. The people I do for a Klondike Bar

   Major blackout in India....looks like everybody who needs tech support is screwed.

   You call it Russian Roulette, I call it waking up on Monday.

   it so wrong to bang on your neighbour's door at 2am and ask them to reset their modem?

   I'm kinda tired of you but in a possessive way.

   Why the hell would you hire me at this waxing salon if I can't dress up as Zorro and shape a "Z" into everyone's pubes?

   i dont give hand jobs because I have a v@gina.

   I am a dandy in the ghetto with a snow white smile

   Just listened to Call Me Maybe for the first and last time.

   we need to get swag on mythbusters to see if it will pay the bills

   In honor of Michael Phelps 4th place finish, I'm firing up the bong.......

   Every morning you have two choices: be productive and really shine, OR pour some coffee, log inn and start posting. Hello, darlings.

   A state hghway dept crew reached their jobsite and realized they forgot all the shovels! The foreman radioed the office and informed them of the situation. The suprvsr responded 'Dont worry we'll send the shovels just lean on eachother until they arrive!!

   I wasnt planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

   After today, it looks like the only chance Michael Phelps has at seeing gold is pissing in the pool.

   When someone puts you on the backburner, kick them the f*&^ outta the kitchen!