Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work.

   Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.

   Your worst enemy lives in your head.

   I WILL ANNOY YOU INTO LOVING ME!

   Your electric bill is not an acceptable topic of conversation.

   I love you, but I'm not in "change my relationship status on FB" love with you

   I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.

   Dude, I don't care if it is a suitcase on wheels. If you have a bag, I'm gonna call it a "murse."

   Personally, I'm a big fan of wind mills.... Get it??

   The world lost Steve Jobs about 10 months ago, which makes me think heaven by now must have wifi.

   Saw that Poland just won the country's first gold metal.... they were so happy, they had it bronzed!

   "I'll make delicious food and you will eat it and then I will give you grief for getting fat and how you will die alone" - Mom

   The first thing I do when I answer the phone is hang up.

   My fat next door neighbor is lying face down on her front lawn. Don't know if she's passed out or eating the grass.

   I FINALLY got a new i-phone,, and for those wondering how long it would take to get chocolate smudged in it?? Shut-up.

   You chose tragic love story I choose avoiding preventable tragedies

   I believe man first started walking upright to free up his hands for masturbation.

   My dream girl would be my worst nightmare.

   Here's a lesson that no matter how many times I learn it, I always forget: When a woman asks you for your opinion about something, she doesn't actually WANT your opinion; she just wants to hear her opinion said again with a deeper voice.

   Micheal Phelps did it again......Smoke weed before swimming, got hungry and hurried up and swimmed to the Golden All-American buffett