Funny Status Messages

   Went for a jog tonight and saw a payphone and I was like ''WTF is that!!!''

   Michael Phelps probaby just threw away any of his medals that weren't gold.

   Stopped by the apple store to see if they have a better phone than the Samsung Galaxy S3......ilaughed

   Obama got pulled over today and they asked him for his birth certificate and school transcript

   DOUGLAS unscrambled = USA GOLD

   My doctor prescribed marijuana for my constipation but said if it didn't work after a week to discontinue using it. Basically he told me to poop or get off the pot.

   I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me... control that will ya

   Considering my balance, my credit card has the best theft detection ever. It just says declined no matter what you try to buy.

   Was thinking about giving a f*ck today but... f*cks just don't grow on trees, you know!

   "the govt doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs

   Shout out to all the 90's baby's, with no babies!

   YOLO backwards is OLOY, "Only Losers Obey Yolo"

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   True Freedom: Taking a dump with the door open.

   A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year.

   In the dark, it takes several minutes to find the hole and stick it in. Stupid phone charger.

   Actually, I WOULD wish that on my worse enemy.

   I went to confession and told the priest I had impure thoughts about other religions.

   Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

   I hate when I accidently run my hand over a piece of gum stuck under a desk!