Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dogs don't care if Bacon is crispy or not!

   Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.

   Cuba Gooding Jr...Show me the warrant!

   Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.

   Hey people making fun of Canada : I think Bryan Adams & Nickleback were just warning shots,,,,,, Let's try not to REALLY anger them..

   The serenity of the beautiful sunrise this morning was broken by the sound of a cat hacking up a hairball somewhere in the house.

   I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   Do you think superhero nemesis's use facebook to see who their friends are?

   I've been constipated for 3 days now. I'm half expecting a ransom note from arse demanding money for the safe release of my next poo.

   You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

   The people who deserve to live the best of life are the exact same ones living the worst of it.

   Wine is to women as duct tape is to men… it fixes everything.

   Life ain't nothing but: female dogs and gardening tools!

   I've just spent the last 5 hours on mine craft accomplishing more than I ever will in real life

   Tomorrow can be just another day or it could be the first day of the rest of your life. Change happens by choice not coincidence.

   I like to restate the obvious, it's important obviously

   My dog pissed on the carpet so I made him smoke a whole carton of cigarettes. Dont blame me, I'm new to this whole dog training thing.

   When all is said and done then there is nothing left to say or do.

   It's not true love until they offer to get decapitated, cooked and eaten by you.